I love you. I don’t know why. And I wish I didn’t. I fucking hate you and the way you make me feel. I fucking love everything about you. I hate how you can get to me. I hate how when I check on you, and show concern and you’re upset you snap on me. If I’m being nice why are you being a bitch. Just because you’re upset does not mean you have to make everyone else upset too. Do you know how fucking hard it is to not snap on your bullshit. I wanna be a nice person. Out of friendship I don’t snap back on you even though you’re in the wrong. Even though you lied. Even though we still talk. Even though I hate you and your bullshit reasons. Even though I love you because my heart, my stupid fucking heart won’t let go of you. Thank you, for showing me I’m likable. Fuck you for throwing me away with your bullshit excuse. Thank you, for dumping me so I can find someone I deserve. Someone I can make happy and who will make me happy. I am enough. I am a man and fuck you for thinking otherwise. Fuck you for saying otherwise. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I hate you. You hurt me, for no reason then had the gall to say you were hurting too. You don’t get to hurt. YOU decided to end it. Fuck you and your feelings. I think I don’t love you. But watch. The second you say anything to me, or flash that fucking smile its gonna start all over. I know damn well I’m gonna love you again. And I’m gonna hate you again all over every time again.
I’m a fucking ball of anger and hurt and mistrust. Yeah my life was going shitty but at least I could still put my faith in people. Now.. I can’t. After being told something and repeatedly told that same thing until I actually believed it. Then told the exact opposite and crushed all at once. It hurts. It pisses me off. It took away my trust in… All. I hate how religions can make everything go to well, go to hell. I hate how society makes even the simplest of things into a giant deal for no reason. Everyone wants to be happy, but nobody can be because everyone is acting against their happiness and everyone elses. It makes no sense and there’s no point to it. There’s no point to anything.
I always thought all I’d have to do was be loyal and show affection to be happy. For a time that was enough. A long time ago I met a girl in a group chat through some friends. We didn’t talk much and lost contact pretty quickly. A few months ago playing a game with my same friend she joined and took a liking to me. At first, I wasn’t interested but didn’t wanna hurt her feelings so I went along with it. Then I somehow started liking her. Eventually, I fell in love, and she said she did too. In fact, she said it first. We started dating, she knew all along I was trans since before she showed an interest in me. Everything was going great. For about two months. For the first month we were just talking and messing around then, we started dating and our one month mark was fast approaching. I sent her a package with some things she wanted and some teas I wanted her to try and some candy she likes. Out of the three teas I wanted her to try she liked two and hated the third. So she gave them to her mom. The next day her mom noticed the teas and asked where they came from… She said her boyfriend sent them. Which was me. Her mom decided that we couldn’t date. Because for some reason even though she told me she wouldn’t tell her mom I was trans until way later in our relationship she told her mom anyway. SO, her mom being a Christian and now in my eyes an asshole also decided that her daughter was trying to be a lesbian and if she continued down this path she would send her to counseling. Because no matter what I do I will always be a girl and nothing will change that. And ..she agreed with her mom. She broke up with me on the spot, through text no less. After all these words… of she doesn’t care I’m trans.. and she loves me for who I am not my body parts.. She broke up with me because she doesn’t want to be a lesbian. I asked her, if her mom had given her the same talk but hadn’t said we had to break up would we still be together and her answer was no. The fucked up part is.. I still love her, and it is killing me. She says she still loves me and it makes no sense to me. If she loves me why did she break up with me. Why did she suddenly change her mind. Why so many things…
It’s not fair. I didn’t ask to be this way. I don’t want to be this way. I just wanna be loved like everyone else. I have so much love to give. Everything was going great.. but now its all gone to shit. And she acts like nothing happened. She keeps talking to me like normal, and asking if I’m okay. She keeps telling me she loves me and I know I still love her. Maybe I’m just more broken than I ever thought I would be before. She keeps wanting me to say it back. Its been three days. The first day I cried a lot and considered throwing things, the only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t wanna break the few things I do own. I considered killing myself but it wouldn’t solve anything. In the midst of my mind that was just a hurricane of “its not fair and I didt ask to be this way and I’m not a girl” I almost went to the kitchen to cut my breasts off. But thankfully that seemed like a terrible idea and I stopped myself. The second day I slept in and then got high all day. Any time I even felt myself sobering up I would get high again because feeling hurt too much. While I was high I processed my thoughts without tears because I had this calmness that made everything less emotional and more clear. Today I woke up to her. Apparently she wanted me to keep her company. Shes still here. watching me type, but she can’t see what I’m typing. Testing my limits which at this point I dont even know what they are. Typing this.. actually made me feel better.
Because obviously my emotions outward appearance and entire life dont mean shit to anyone but me.
I’ve discovered, if you don’t address your problems you eventually get a psychotic break. And since I never do, I guess I’m just waiting for mine. Every day seems worse than the one before. Every day something makes me worse. Sometimes I just sit alone and stare into space feeling like my hearts gonna stop. And it just might. I don’t know how many days or minutes or hours or years I have left. Maybe seconds. If I died right now, I would never be at rest. That’s all I really do know.
Have you ever felt like everyone would be better off without you?
Less food bills, lower light bills, less stress because you don’t fit the norm. Or that you’d be better off without them? All the people making your life hell dragging you down. One day I will be free to be me, free from their bullshit. Probably homeless but happily on my own. One day when I get to choose who the people around me are. When I can decide whether or not I want to be with ‘family’ who doesn’t give two shits about how I feel or how they treat me. But call me disrespectful for being happy and ignoring them. Who get upset when I decide to escape this shit hole for a few hours or a day or two. Who annoy me to the point I want to do things most people would cringe or vomit at. Who piss me off so much I feel like prison wouldn’t be so bad. I don’t know where my breaking point is. But I’m way too close to it.
I’ve gotten to the point where I constantly want to kill myself. Fuck you, the person who says I’m saying this for attention.
Moving on. I dont know what I posted about last.. And I’m not going to check. (Before the attempt at a book post) because it was probably something stupid anyway. Since my last post of any kind I’ve gotten tendonitis in my left wrist which sucks. Gotten an electric skateboard, which if I hadn’t gotten it off eBay I would’ve never been able to afford honestly. I researched them for about a week straight using websites and reviews on YouTube. I got a koowheel, look it up if you want I don’t care. It used to look like this, but then I drew on it.
Now it looks like this because I drew on it
I think I should get some rubber or something to help with vibrations because the roads around where I live REALLY suck and on some streets my entire body felt like a vibrator on high. (Or so I imagine) I got a gym membership today. It was my first long ride on my board.. About 4 miles in total there and back.
As to why I want to kill myself, don’t ask because I’ll never tell because if I said it to you I’d kill myself in front of you. I haven’t done anything to be guilty about- yet. But I constantly, more and more want to.
Also about a week ago I thought I was gay and liked men, then saw this girl I like again and was like nope I definitely still like women. My friend suggested maybe it depends on the person and I guess she’s right. 99% of the population is unattractive to me and sometimes the 1% that’s attractive to me just ends up repulsing me in the end. Or disappointing me in some way in general.
Its not like I have high hopes or anything because I already know humanity has reached rock bottom. Like its to the point where you see memes with animals doing something nice, and then the caption says faith in humanity restored.
HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE. AN ANIMAL DOES SOMETHING AND YOU’RE PROUD OF HUMANS?!
literally just makes me ashamed to be part of such an idiotic species. And yes. President cheetopuff is a part of this species too. Which also makes me wish I was born a beetle or something. By biggest fear would be a bird. Not will I not open my eyes the next time I blink because this asshole got us bombed. My job is implementing too many rules. And from day 1, they haven’t paid me the way the contract I signed said I would be paid. Now they’re getting sued and I think its the funniest thing. Like what did they expect to happen? But nothing will change so.. I need a new job before I get fired from this one. Or everyone gets fired when they get shut down. And in general because it started off good I guess but I’ve only been working there a few months and its constantly bullshit. I dunno. Maybe I’ll become a daily blogger as a hobby. I also have a YouTube channel but its shit so until something happens like I figure out how to edit videos or I get monetized or something I’m not gonna advertise it here or anywhere.
My phone for two years finally decided to die. I mean its still alive.. Barely.. Its like on life support or doing that let me restart my heart cough. So I’m on my new one now.
I ALMOST FORGOT. IM USING ROGAINE TO GROW A BEARD. AND I HAVE REACHED CONSTANT STUBBLE. But surprisingly even that happiness is fleeting when I think about my life currently as a whole.
I have to tell you what happened. So it can’t happen again.
It was dark. I was alone, at home. But the door just kept opening and closing, not all the way. Just swinging. I kept telling myself it was just the wind. The window was open the wind moved the door. I knew it wasn’t the wind. It was too mocking. Too.. Many warning flags. I dont know what it was. But I knew I had to keep moving. I didn’t even take anything. Just what I already had in my pockets, what I always, had in my pockets. A wallet, a pocket knife, and my phone. I grabbed my keys and left. I unlocked my bike and rode off. No place in mind, an aimless trek. I could feel it watching me. As if it’s eyes were staring at the back of my head, at the place my hairline meets my neck. The place my skull meets my spine.
It doesn’t want me to talk to you about this, or leave any record-
I have to be fast.
I’ll be back… If it doesn’t get me first.