I’ve discovered, if you don’t address your problems you eventually get a psychotic break. And since I never do, I guess I’m just waiting for mine. Every day seems worse than the one before. Every day something makes me worse. Sometimes I just sit alone and stare into space feeling like my hearts gonna stop. And it just might. I don’t know how many days or minutes or hours or years I have left. Maybe seconds. If I died right now, I would never be at rest. That’s all I really do know.
Have you ever felt like everyone would be better off without you?
Less food bills, lower light bills, less stress because you don’t fit the norm. Or that you’d be better off without them? All the people making your life hell dragging you down. One day I will be free to be me, free from their bullshit. Probably homeless but happily on my own. One day when I get to choose who the people around me are. When I can decide whether or not I want to be with ‘family’ who doesn’t give two shits about how I feel or how they treat me. But call me disrespectful for being happy and ignoring them. Who get upset when I decide to escape this shit hole for a few hours or a day or two. Who annoy me to the point I want to do things most people would cringe or vomit at. Who piss me off so much I feel like prison wouldn’t be so bad. I don’t know where my breaking point is. But I’m way too close to it.
I’ve gotten to the point where I constantly want to kill myself. Fuck you, the person who says I’m saying this for attention.
Moving on. I dont know what I posted about last.. And I’m not going to check. (Before the attempt at a book post) because it was probably something stupid anyway. Since my last post of any kind I’ve gotten tendonitis in my left wrist which sucks. Gotten an electric skateboard, which if I hadn’t gotten it off eBay I would’ve never been able to afford honestly. I researched them for about a week straight using websites and reviews on YouTube. I got a koowheel, look it up if you want I don’t care. It used to look like this, but then I drew on it.
Now it looks like this because I drew on it
I think I should get some rubber or something to help with vibrations because the roads around where I live REALLY suck and on some streets my entire body felt like a vibrator on high. (Or so I imagine) I got a gym membership today. It was my first long ride on my board.. About 4 miles in total there and back.
As to why I want to kill myself, don’t ask because I’ll never tell because if I said it to you I’d kill myself in front of you. I haven’t done anything to be guilty about- yet. But I constantly, more and more want to.
Also about a week ago I thought I was gay and liked men, then saw this girl I like again and was like nope I definitely still like women. My friend suggested maybe it depends on the person and I guess she’s right. 99% of the population is unattractive to me and sometimes the 1% that’s attractive to me just ends up repulsing me in the end. Or disappointing me in some way in general.
Its not like I have high hopes or anything because I already know humanity has reached rock bottom. Like its to the point where you see memes with animals doing something nice, and then the caption says faith in humanity restored.
HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE. AN ANIMAL DOES SOMETHING AND YOU’RE PROUD OF HUMANS?!
literally just makes me ashamed to be part of such an idiotic species. And yes. President cheetopuff is a part of this species too. Which also makes me wish I was born a beetle or something. By biggest fear would be a bird. Not will I not open my eyes the next time I blink because this asshole got us bombed. My job is implementing too many rules. And from day 1, they haven’t paid me the way the contract I signed said I would be paid. Now they’re getting sued and I think its the funniest thing. Like what did they expect to happen? But nothing will change so.. I need a new job before I get fired from this one. Or everyone gets fired when they get shut down. And in general because it started off good I guess but I’ve only been working there a few months and its constantly bullshit. I dunno. Maybe I’ll become a daily blogger as a hobby. I also have a YouTube channel but its shit so until something happens like I figure out how to edit videos or I get monetized or something I’m not gonna advertise it here or anywhere.
My phone for two years finally decided to die. I mean its still alive.. Barely.. Its like on life support or doing that let me restart my heart cough. So I’m on my new one now.
I ALMOST FORGOT. IM USING ROGAINE TO GROW A BEARD. AND I HAVE REACHED CONSTANT STUBBLE. But surprisingly even that happiness is fleeting when I think about my life currently as a whole.
I have to tell you what happened. So it can’t happen again.
It was dark. I was alone, at home. But the door just kept opening and closing, not all the way. Just swinging. I kept telling myself it was just the wind. The window was open the wind moved the door. I knew it wasn’t the wind. It was too mocking. Too.. Many warning flags. I dont know what it was. But I knew I had to keep moving. I didn’t even take anything. Just what I already had in my pockets, what I always, had in my pockets. A wallet, a pocket knife, and my phone. I grabbed my keys and left. I unlocked my bike and rode off. No place in mind, an aimless trek. I could feel it watching me. As if it’s eyes were staring at the back of my head, at the place my hairline meets my neck. The place my skull meets my spine.
It doesn’t want me to talk to you about this, or leave any record-
I have to be fast.
I’ll be back… If it doesn’t get me first.
I’ve decided to do something different. And I’ll literally name each post relating to it “Something Different” with whatever part is next to it. A few times I’ve tried to write a book, or a short story and they’ve always gotten pretty good feedback. So I guess I’ll try to do a continuous or actual novel for a change. I’ve attempted before and just lost interest and never finished. I’ll either start in the morning or not to long from now depending on how long I stay awake. It might not have any particular genre, or it might have a few conflicting genres. All I ask is wait until I’m done before making a decision on it.
A conversation with two cisgender heterosexual women. Well the girl I asked out has a boyfriend. She could’ve said that a long ass time ago. Anyway, the two of them were talking to me. And I have had my horizons widened. In their eyes it seems like trans men aren’t real men and trans women aren’t real women. I know they weren’t trying to hurt my feelings but it didn’t feel nice to hear people who I viewed as my friends talk in that way. Honesty however is the best policy. No matter how it feels.
Here are some of the highlights of the conversation-
- “I’d rather be with a woman that’s a woman than a man that was a woman. If that’s the case I’d rather just be with a real man. Y’know?
- I know you’re a girl now and all but if you weren’t born that way don’t try and come across as if you were. (Talking about our coworker who is an mtf transgender woman)
- You want the sex change? Like you want a ding a ling? Uh uh.
It’s probably just me but. I wouldn’t say any of this to a transgender person. Even if I wasn’t trans I wouldn’t. Then you offer to take me to get my name changed, yay thank you that’s great- then two seconds later oh nevermind I don’t want your mom to get upset.
I’m sorry what? I’m a legal adult what the hell does my mother have to do with this? Take the bus you say? The bus doesn’t even go that far. Take a lyft or something? Don’t you think I would if I could?
Sigh.. I just
I thought I finally found people who actually accept me.
But based off what just came out their mouths.. Whatever. Obviously I’m just still too naive.
I was gonna be upset. Not outwardly of course but I wasn’t happy. But then she smiled at me. And I was like I’ll keep waiting. It’s no big deal. As long as it’s her I’ll keep waiting until I can’t anymore. If she says no after all that time then it wasn’t meant to be. But that’s okay. I won’t have to deal with those feelings until then. And still, there’s always the chance she’ll say yes.