confession, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Hate feeling..

I hate my feelings, my wants and desires. They’re all 

so strong

So wrong.

I shouldn’t feel that way for this person. Not even close. 

Midnight cravings.. 

The urges to act

The willpower to not.

It hurts. It hurts so much just to be myself.

It hurts even more to not.

It kills me to feel the way I feel, knowing I can never.. Act on it.. Or get it out of my head.

So much guilt and I never even did anything.

Just the fact that I want to.. Keeps me up at night in tears. 

And then the good feelings.. They’re even worse. 

Because when it ends

Its shattering pain.

Heartache and confusion

The years wasted the why was it wasted why did you change?

I didn’t change..

How and why.

Do such strong emotions.. Such pitiful thoughts.. Such terrible feelings

So wrong

Immoral

Illegal if done

Just why?.. 

How can I stop it.

So tempted to die.

But that won’t fix it

What will?!

How will I know.. How can I know..

Dying won’t fix anything..

But living doesn’t help.

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