confession, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

(Untitled)

I don’t know how to explain it. On the outside I guess you can tell I’m not happy. I’m usually not smiling, and when I am it doesn’t last long. I’m so sick of people including me in their prejudices. All I want is to be left alone and happy. If you can’t leave me alone, then at least have the decency to call me by the correct name, or pronouns. I don’t go out of my way to impose my beliefs on people or try to force them to see things my way. For the most part I mind my own business. Sure I have opinions, I have a ton of them. But does that mean I’m gonna take the time to bring them up and try to make you see things my way? Nope. Because I don’t care what you think. You could be flat out wrong and I probably still wouldn’t correct you. If you wanted to be corrected, you’d do some research. You could be imposing your beliefs onto me. I’ll probably ignore you. But if I don’t ignore you, and our beliefs contradict, I’ll listen to your point of view, form my own opinion and continue to keep it to myself, unless you ask me. But if you come and just decide you’re gonna be a jerk and harass me or constantly mess with me or ignore the one thing I ask which is call me by the correct words, then we have a problem. Then I’ll tell you off. Then I’ll get mad. Not necessarily in that order. Because it takes a lot, to make me even aggravated much less mad. Most of my friends can’t ever say they’ve seen me mad, or if they have it was less than twice. I try to be good tempered. I keep to myself to the point people think I’m shy. I’m not shy, if I don’t talk to you it’s because I have absolutely nothing to say to you. I don’t know you and probably have no interest in starting to. Doesn’t make me “shy”. 

I’m probably clinically depressed, and if I was only surrounded by people who accepted me and made me happy I seriously doubt that would be the case. But you can’t choose your family, and you can’t choose your circumstances. So here I am, constantly unhappy, but too unsatisfied with the way I’d die to kill myself. If I were to die today I’d want to be cremated and scattered because I don’t want a tombstone that’s gonna have the wrong name on it. Or the wrong words under that name.  Hopefully, by the time I do die I’ll die happy. Instead of the way I am now. Constantly in a state of “meh” wishing for things to be different. Making efforts to change things and then more things happen pushing me back or making it so everything stays the same. Other people, would’ve offed themselves by now if they were me. I’ve considered it many times. Committed to it at other times and then not done it because I found no reason death would be any better. They say everything happens for a reason. What was my reason? Why am I here? Was I truly born just to live and die unhappily? What did I do in my past lives or who did I piss off for this? I’m only 19 but I feel like I’ve lived 19 years too long.

I don’t want to. But it’s so hard to ignore it all.

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