confession, depressed, free write, Longwinded nothingness, love, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

I think too much.

I’m always thinking about what the looks on other people’s faces could mean. When they look at me what do they see. When they make that expression what are they feeling. Half the time I don’t even care. 

How many nights, am I going to sit there for hours feeling that burning in the middle of my chest from wanting to cry. And then hold back tears because I refuse to give them the satisfaction of falling? How many times am I going to have to want to die before I man up and just kill myself. Or is it better not to..

I got a job. Around the time I stopped posting. I use an app for the job and I guess I let it take over my life. Writing.. Used to make me feel better. Almost everything used to make me feel better. But now it’s like I’m floating in a world of grey lava. If that makes sense. I’m never happy, always want to cry and the only time I’m at any kind of peace is when im too busy to have a chance to think. I think that’s the main reason I like my job. On a good day, I don’t have a chance to think. On a bad day though, that’s all I can do. 

My coworkers are mostly nice though. But sometimes they talk shit about our boss. I wish they didn’t. She’s a really nice person. I bet if she was a bitch they’d really have something to talk about, but some people just don’t see other people as people too. 

Just because someone is in charge of you doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings too. I learned this at a really young age.. When I made my mom cry because I cared more about my gameboy than her (I still have that gameboy).

My job is I shop for lazy people, and lately I’ve been going through a lot of shit. Mentally and apparently physically if the new pains I was feeling today are any indication. I probably have a cracked rib. 

First of all, let me put it out there that I REALLY like my boss. As a person as well as otherwise. She’s sweet, kind hearted, beautiful strong and as I found out today- also sensitive. She was sad today after she found- well yesterday now after she found out that some of my coworkers were talking shit about her. It hurt me seeing her sad and there was nothing I could do about it. 

I don’t know when I started caring again. But apparently I care about her. 

All I could do was try to make her laugh but I don’t think I was really of any help to her mental state. 

I find myself staring off into space more and more now. Thinking longer and more deeply each time. I’m not okay. My life is not okay, it’s in shambles. All along I’ve been living with the high possibility of becoming homeless. Now thats turned into an IMMINENT homelessness. Who would I even tell? What could anyone even do. Our finances were even worse off than I thought before. Even with me working almost every day skipping breaks so I can make every penny, somehow we’re still in the red. 

All I want is to be happy and healthy. I dont want to be a millionaire. I don’t want a big fancy house. I don’t want much of anything really. All those trips to the hospital and I’m still broken. All these meltdowns and im still broken. Today at work I felt my heart try to stop. The sad part is, I was more curious about what would happen if I just fell over dead than I was scared of dying. 

I don’t have a will so.. In case anyone reads this that knows me, and I randomly drop dead, Bury me in my white camo shorts, black button up and batman hat. Maybe in my lifetime nothing will go the way I want it to. But maybe after I die something could go my way for once? 

Sometimes I fall too hard, and too fast for even myself to comprehend. I hope I’m not in love with her. I don’t think I could handle getting my heart broken right now. 

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