Buddhism, confession, depressed, free write, freedom of speech, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Afraid

I’m not scared, truly scared, of many things.

 I’m not scared of dying, I just want to know.. Exactly what will happen when I do. I’m scared of the unknown after death. What if nothing happens, everything goes black and that’s the end for me. I won’t even know if I exist or not because I won’t know to think. What if there’s really a god? What if there are many? What will they do with me? What if I just reincarnate, thirty years from now as.. A tree? That gets cut down for a house nobody will live in because they can’t afford it. Q

I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of what could be in it. No light is ever fast enough to show that thing you thought you saw. No eye is ever strong enough to see it properly in the dark. That moment when the light goes out, all the light, that’s the moment I wonder if I should be scared.

I’m not afraid of spiders, or snakes, or bears, or sharks. I’m afraid of what they can do to me. I’m just a weak human. One well placed tap and a human dies. One air bubble in your vein and a human dies. One bite, from a small eight legged creature smaller than your thumb nail, simply because it had a whim, a human dies. You enter the water and move in a way that interests a shark, a human dies. You have food when a hungry bear passes by, a human dies.  You walk through grass slightly past your ankle and startle a snake.. A human dies. 

But what happens after death? Is it the darkness? What’s in the darkness? Is it death?
The thoughts that go through my head however, they scare me. They scare me the worst of all. Because sometimes.. I want to  listen to them. These thoughts, these feelings, the voices that aren’t really voices telling me just one.. Just once.. It won’t hurt.. It won’t go wrong.. Nothing bad will happen.
But in reality, just one, once.. Will be the worst pain and the worst betrayal of all. 

The thing I’m scared of the most, is
Myself.

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Buddhism, depressed, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, religion, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Easter or Ishtar or just another day.

What exactly is paganism? There are so many variations of beliefs. Easter is supposed to be such a big deal, to kids it’s egg hunts, baskets and candy but to adults it’s Jesus’ ressurection day. Christians don’t seem to realize they’re worshipping essentially a vampire. 

Believed to be dead but rises from the dead, feeds you his flesh and blood. He’s either a vampire or a zombie. Just saying.

After waiting on mail for almost a month the day I do the math and think it should come early next week less than an hour later it shows up at my door. Fucking customs holding shit for fucking ever. I mean I know it’s for safety reasons and all but what if I ordered something perishable, I’d just get mold or a dripping box in the mail.

I don’t know anything really about paganism but I did some light research and some things seem to never change. Pagans and the old Greeks both believed in multiple gods and goddesses. I also would like to believe there’s not just one all powerful being because frankly if there is we were abandoned by it plain and simple. However if there are multiple beings each in control of something of their own it would make sense as to why earth isn’t a desert all over. 

Being raised in shared Christian and Catholic household I’m very confused when it comes to this god. Is Jesus gods son or is Jesus god? Because nobody can seem to make up their mind. What does the rosary have to do with Mary and why? If she’s a virgin then didn’t god basically rape her insides without giving her a choice?

Is paganism really witchcraft? And if it is what’s so wrong with that? Nothing should be wrong with being so in tune with nature, the elements, the gods that may be and yourself that you can make what to people not so in touch seem like magic.

Why is ‘god’ so selfish. Nobody can be above or equal to him in your eyes? Prove you exist and that you’re the only one and you deserve to be number one in everyone’s eyes. Either way, fucking selfish. 

Buddhism isn’t even a religion but a teaching. However nobody wants to open their mind and just decide to see everything in this tiny light. Buddhism is a teaching, a way to enlightenment. In a way, it can take you closer and father than ever before if you try hard enough. 

I don’t know what I believe in personally just yet but I want to be happy. If it’s coming to the realization once and for all that there’s nothing out there in charge or that there are many things with many dominions and all I have to do is listen for them or meditate to find the truth. So be it.

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