Deadbeat Dad, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized


What the fuck was I thinking. Bury me? My family can’t even afford a single pair of name brand shoes. Where the hell is the money for my funeral coming from. I’ll probably just end up rotting in a morgue. Naked on a cold metal slab in a drawer. Why do I even exist? What did I do in my past life that was so fucking bad I had to come to this one. A mother who would rather treat me like shit than acknowledge that I’m human too, a brother who’s just a fucking idiot. A father who is basically a sperm doner that sends memes.  Sigh 

Maybe this life won’t be a waste. Maybe just maybe it’ll get better. I’ve tried everything else. I guess I’ll attempt to be an optimist now. I’ll probably fail miserably- oh look I already am. Fuck whatever. I’m going to sleep.

confession, Deadbeat Dad, depressed, free write, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, short story, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized


‘Hm.. That’s a strange shadow. Sorta looks like a person.’

I look on top the building, and see a girl standing on the edge. She looks upset. I might as well go up and check it out.

The door isn’t locked. I climb up 8 flights of stairs. I’m breathing kinda hard by the time I reach the top. The door to the roof is clearly marked so I go through it. The door creaks and the girl turns around. 

“DON’T! DONT COME ANY CLOSER!” She yells at me. 

I furrow my brow. “Why not? Whether I go over there or not has no impact on if you jump. Does it?”

She frowns. I walk over to the ledge and sit down about two feet from her. 

“Why are you here?” She asks.

“I was walking by. Felt like coming to see what you were doing. There’s a pretty good view of the city from here.”

She considers kicking me. I can see it on her face. I look back at the skyline of the city. 

“Are you gonna try and talk me down?”

“Do you want to be talked down?” I respond. I still don’t look at her. 

Out the corner of my eye I see droplets falling over the edge. Either it’s raining, or she’s crying. Probably crying. I still don’t look at her. 

“Yes. No. I don’t know what I want anymore.”

I glance at her. Shes looking at me and has tear stains going down her cheeks.I reach in my pocket and hand her a tissue I grabbed on the off chance I’d need it in a Wendy’s earlier. 

“Have a seat. All that standing probably made you tired.”

She sits down wiping her face not even realizing she stopped standing on the edge. 

“Can I ask you something?” She says. I nod and look at the cars driving in the distance. “Do you think I’m pretty?” I look at her. I really look at her. The curve of her jaw, the shape of the arch of her eyebrows, the color of her blue-green eyes and the will to live that’s gone out of them. Her salmon colored lips and dark orange hair. The splash of freckles across the bridge of her nose on her slightly tanned skin. She’s pretty. She’s not gonna stop traffic but I like the way she looks. 

She waits as I study her. And the longer I look the more she starts to fidget. When she breaks eye contact I look back at the cars.

“What does my opinion matter to you. I’m a stranger. For all you know, I could be gay.” 

Based on the look on her face I can tell she was not expecting that answer. 

“Are you gay?”

I shake my head. “Then do you think I’m pretty?” She asks again. 

I make direct eye contact. “I think you’re pretty. I think you’re really pretty. Personally you’re my ideal woman. If in looks only. But looks aren’t everything. Were you on the edge because someone called you ugly?”

She’s beet red. “No. I’m not that petty. I was on the edge because I’m alone. My family is dead, my friends don’t ever want to hang out with me and my last boyfriend killed himself.” 

I look at her again. She looks at me. 

“That’s why you want to die?”

She looks down. “I don’t want to die. I just don’t know, if I want to live.”

I realize I’m sweating. And then I realize that some of what I thought was her blushing was also flushing from the heat. 

“Do you wanna go get a smoothie or something? Its pretty hot up here.” 

She looks at me like I’m an idiot. I look at her calmly and wipe my forehead with the back of my hand. She keeps looking at me. I break eye contact but I can still feel her staring. “Okay.. Maybe it was a bad idea.”

She comes closer to me. She puts one hand on my shoulder and holds my chin with the other. She tilts my head this way and that then sits back to look at me some more. 

“…are you transgender?”

Okay. Obviously I wasn’t passing as well as I thought. But I nod. She stands up and extends a hand toward me. “I’m buying” she says. 

I’m very, very confused right now. What the hell just happened? I follow behind her. I’m about three inches taller than her. I take this chance to.. Take in her figure. It’s not a bad one. I don’t look for more than two seconds. I’m not a creep I swear. 

We get to the first floor and go out. About two blocks away is a smoothie shop. We walk the two blocks in silence stealing glances at each other when we think the other isn’t looking. I got pretty quiet after I realized I wasn’t passing as well. Keeping my head sort of down and not looking at strangers. Not talking. 

“Are you okay?” She asks me outside the smoothie shop. I open the door for her and nod while shrugging. Like ‘yeah of course’.
We order smoothies. Hers is pink and mine is a sort of light purple. She pays literally slapping my hand away when I tried. The cashier got a kick out of that and then we sat in a corner booth.

“Whats your name?” I ask. She looks at me with a crooked grin. 

“Only took you forever to ask. You can call me Angel.” She says.

I feel like that’s not her name but nod. “Jason.” I say and reach out my hand to shake hers. She scoffs and sips her smoothie leaving me there awkwardly with an outstretched hand. I look down and sip my smoothie with that hand now under the table. I feel her staring at me again. But this time I don’t mind as much. I look up and defiantly stare back. She scoots over to my side of the bench. I sip my smoothie again and pretend to ignore her. She reaches her hand under the bottom of my shirt. I feel my heartbeat quicken because I don’t know what she’s going to do. 

Deadbeat Dad, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, short story, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

I was engaged!

When I was 14 and na├»ve. Probably wasn’t even a real engagement I didn’t give her a ring.. And she dumped me because she considered herself straight. We never even met. She was an admin on an anime page on Google+ then I ended up being an admin there too then starting my own page because the guy in charge was mean. Either way I fell in love and got heartbroken to the point that people who I wasn’t friends with, but was friendly with started getting worried about me. 

I don’t even know if I believe in marriage anymore. My dad asked my mom to marry him when I was in like first grade. Then in third grade they had my brother. Then in fourth grade my dad moved into another room. In sixth grade he moved out and turned off everything in the house, power, water and stopped paying mortgage. We literally had less then a week to find someplace. We were homeless overnight and ended up moving into my grandmothers house. Then when I was in the seventh grade, he told me he was dating his best friend. I told him you’re a grown man do what you want. When I was in eigth grade he came down and showed me wedding pictures. 

Thanks for the invite that I didn’t get. Or the notification of your marriage or even engagement.  

But right before he told me he was dating his best friend, (which by the way he was with for a long time before because when I was really little he introduced her to me as his “best friend”) he came down to my grandmother’s house to live here because he ran out of money and had nowhere to go. Ironic right, but they let him stay. In my room making me move into a room with my mother and brother. Then when he left after a long time, I wasn’t allowed back into my room because of some bs reason that my grandmother came up with: I don’t clean. How and why am I supposed to keep a room for three people clean on my own. Then the reason changed to when my aunt comes in the morning she needs someplace to stay.

My aunt, has a husband and a house of her own. She has her own place to stay. Not to mention, she comes for breakfast drops her kids to school and then hangs out in my grandmother’s room. Nobody ever goes into the room and it just collects dust. 

Then I was told if I can keep the room clean I’ll get it back. Obviously I’m never getting that room back. Not that I expected to, my grandma is more full of it than a bag of manure. If I went on to talk about the stupidity I have to deal with daily from the people in this house and family nobody would ever hear the end of it.

One day I’ll get past all this and make myself happy.

Deadbeat Dad, depressed, free write, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, short story, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Closed door. Short story

Behind that door.. Is everything I am. My secrets, my fears, my hopes and happiness and my future are all there. Behind that closed door. The door is closed because I won’t be safe when it opens. 

My father is a piece of shit. Always drunk and always bringing home a different woman. Who knows how many siblings I have running around out there. I had a mom, until she left us when I was five. 

BAM! My dad busts into my room and starts rummaging through my drawers for money. I don’t bother to stop him because he’ll hit me if I do. I don’t keep any money there except three dollars that I want him to find. If he doesn’t find any money I’ll get hit too. He finds the three dollars and turns to yell at me

“That’s it?! A measly three dollars! That’s all you have?? I knew you were worthless.” 

He leaves slamming my drawers and the door to my room behind me. I sigh in relief because he didn’t have the thought I might have more stashed away somewhere else. 

I look up at the air duct in the corner of my ceiling and think about the shoebox full of money I have saved up behind that thin grate. If he finds it I have no money to get out of here. 

I climb out my window because passing him would be bad for my health. I wall grab my skateboard on my way out. I go to a my girlfriends house where her parents love me. Her name is Chelsea she’s super sweet. They all know my living situation and I have dinner there and stay over all the time. Tonight it was meatloaf and it was great. Chelsea and I watched movies until we fell asleep and then I went home in the morning to shower and change. But when I walked in the front door I found something terrible.

My father was looking at me, with the things from behind the door in a pile in front of him. 

My heart jumped into my throat.

“What the fuck is this? This rainbow flag? All these men’s clothes? Clippers, a wig? No daughter of mine is gonna grow up to be a lezbo. I didn’t raise no faggot.”

Then he grabbed me by the shirt collar threw me up against the wall and started to unbutton his pants. I screamed and turned to run but he grabbed me and threw me again. My efforts got the front door open and my girlfriends dad was sitting in the driveway because he dropped me off. He showed this shocked expression and jumped out the car to come rescue me. By the time he got to the door my pants were torn, and around my ankles and I’d been penetrated. He hit my father in the head with the door knocking him out. I was in tears and bleeding. I ran to my room and packed all my shit into my duffel bag, climbed on the dresser and grabbed the shoebox out the air duct. I changed my pants and grabbed the pile of stuff from behind the door that my father had pulled out.

 He must’ve been searching for money again. The cops pulled up and arrested him and my  girlfriends father. But after asking a few questions they uncuffed my girlfriends father and let me leave with him. I had to do a rape kit, and it was traumatic.

When I finally got back to my girlfriends house she already knew what had happened and took me straight to the bathroom.

She helped me undress because I was in shock and ran a bath. I sat in the tub and hugged my knees for almost an hour while she patiently waited before she said

“Baby, you have to get out before the water gets too cold. Come on you’ll be okay, just remember that you’re a real man and your father was a terrible person.”

I looked up and pulled her into the tub with me. Usually she’d be upset because her clothes got wet but instead she just sat there hugging me and I hugged her. 

“I love you Chelsea”

I whispered. Her face turned red because it was the first time I’d said it, and also it was the first time she’d ever seen me naked and she just realized that. 

“I love you too Shawn.” 

She kissed my cheek and got out the tub to leave the bathroom. Her shirt was see through from the water and I could see her bra strap across her back. 

When she came back in she had some masculine clothes from my duffel bag in her hand and had also changed her clothes. I got dressed and went to her room. She looked at me and said

“You can stay here from now on. Not like you didn’t already but you can stay permanently. Mom already said she’s getting you a dresser of your own.”

I smiled and grabbed her hand to pull her over to me. I kissed her and pulled her onto the bed. She looked so cute as she blushed that I kissed her again then ran to the living room.

” SHAWN YOU ASS!” I heard her yell as I snickered and went to find my skateboard.

Deadbeat Dad, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Sexy watch

Yesterday basically sucked. All day I was called the birthday girl. I was dragged to the beach and annoyed by my cousin and brother the whole way there. At the beach the wages treated us like ragdolls and dragged us about 300 ft away from where we started and we were lost for a good while trying to get back. Then my brother got sick from probably ingesting too much saltwater and we got out and left my cousin with her dad. There I was sitting on a comforter (what a beach blanket huh) under a beach towel trying not to get burned or darkened by the sun. My other cousin came and tried to get me to take pictures of her by the water. Which meant getting up and standing in the sun and efficiently getting darker. 

So of course I said no. Then like an hour after I got out the water trying to stay peacefully under my towel I had to use the bathroom. There was not one ANYWHERE nearby. Hollandale beach you suck. Just saying you had seaweed everywhere and a huge part of the beach blocked off for people selling and renting stuff. So I had to leave the beach, cross the street and walk through south beach barefoot and holding onto my towel trying to find a place that didn’t have a hotel guests only or customer only restroom. 7-15 minutes later I found a Subway that let me use their restroom which was nice of them because it said customers only and I didn’t buy shit. So then I went back apparently just in time to leave and took the pictures of my cousin because I’d already walked in the sun for almost half an hour and there was no reason not to anymore. On the drive back I had sand in my swim trunks courtesy of my little brother being an ass throwing sand around and it made me itchy.

We got dropped off at home and then my mom took me to Walmart to get me a present. She said something special and I wanted boxers but noooo. Supporting me in my transition isn’t special. So I got a watch and some flame colored yarn which is basically just blinding orange and a very sexy watch. 

I had no idea what I wanted for my birthday I don’t really even like things. I headed to the yarn because that’s what I like. Then wandering Walmart picking up things my mom wanted and some body wash because we were almost out, we passed the jewelry department. I stopped and browsed the watches because I happen to love watches and I found one that looked amazing (to me) and wasn’t super expensive. But there was a long line in front the jewelry lady so we went and got some head wrap thing that my mom wanted. But by the time we came back the line was gone but so was the lady behind the counter and the watch I wanted was in a case behind lock and key. I asked some random person in Walmart uniform if they worked in the jewelry department and they said they closed at 9.

It was 8:59 by the time I found the worker person. The jewelry lady left early. Slightly depressed we went to the electronic department to check out because you know, shorter lines faster checkout. And I wanted Chinese food and my favorite Chinese place closes at 10 so I was in sorta a rush. We waited in line a while then checked out and we were leaving walking past the jewelry department when I saw someone putting watches on the shelves. It was her! I ran over and asked if I could buy the watch, she hesitated because it was 9:09 but got it out for me. While I was buying it, she turned away two other people because she was closed. I was meant to have this watch and she called me sir. Im passing! Those were the absolute highlights of my day. 

This was the picture I took before I walked away so I could pick the correct one when I came back just in case I forgot.

This is the picture I took this afternoon to show my friend and

This was my fortune from my cookie. I wonder who was thinking of me so much. Definitely wasn’t my dad. Who waits until I ask him if he’s coming down for my birthday the day after to say oh he can’t come down this month because he doesn’t have any money. Funny how every time I see him he has a new car, but he never has any money or time for his children.