I love you. I don’t know why. And I wish I didn’t. I fucking hate you and the way you make me feel. I fucking love everything about you. I hate how you can get to me. I hate how when I check on you, and show concern and you’re upset you snap on me. If I’m being nice why are you being a bitch. Just because you’re upset does not mean you have to make everyone else upset too. Do you know how fucking hard it is to not snap on your bullshit. I wanna be a nice person. Out of friendship I don’t snap back on you even though you’re in the wrong. Even though you lied. Even though we still talk. Even though I hate you and your bullshit reasons. Even though I love you because my heart, my stupid fucking heart won’t let go of you. Thank you, for showing me I’m likable. Fuck you for throwing me away with your bullshit excuse. Thank you, for dumping me so I can find someone I deserve. Someone I can make happy and who will make me happy. I am enough. I am a man and fuck you for thinking otherwise. Fuck you for saying otherwise. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I hate you. You hurt me, for no reason then had the gall to say you were hurting too. You don’t get to hurt. YOU decided to end it. Fuck you and your feelings. I think I don’t love you. But watch. The second you say anything to me, or flash that fucking smile its gonna start all over. I know damn well I’m gonna love you again. And I’m gonna hate you again all over every time again.
A conversation with two cisgender heterosexual women. Well the girl I asked out has a boyfriend. She could’ve said that a long ass time ago. Anyway, the two of them were talking to me. And I have had my horizons widened. In their eyes it seems like trans men aren’t real men and trans women aren’t real women. I know they weren’t trying to hurt my feelings but it didn’t feel nice to hear people who I viewed as my friends talk in that way. Honesty however is the best policy. No matter how it feels.
Here are some of the highlights of the conversation-
- “I’d rather be with a woman that’s a woman than a man that was a woman. If that’s the case I’d rather just be with a real man. Y’know?
- I know you’re a girl now and all but if you weren’t born that way don’t try and come across as if you were. (Talking about our coworker who is an mtf transgender woman)
- You want the sex change? Like you want a ding a ling? Uh uh.
It’s probably just me but. I wouldn’t say any of this to a transgender person. Even if I wasn’t trans I wouldn’t. Then you offer to take me to get my name changed, yay thank you that’s great- then two seconds later oh nevermind I don’t want your mom to get upset.
I’m sorry what? I’m a legal adult what the hell does my mother have to do with this? Take the bus you say? The bus doesn’t even go that far. Take a lyft or something? Don’t you think I would if I could?
Sigh.. I just
I thought I finally found people who actually accept me.
But based off what just came out their mouths.. Whatever. Obviously I’m just still too naive.
Why am I able to feel feelings for you, in this way, when no matter what I do, you’ll never love me back?
If I could control my emotions, I’d take my heart off my sleeve and put it in a lock box three feet under the sandbox. Nobody ever gets that far trying to dig to China, so it should be safe there.
I view you as perfect, amazing, everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
I know you’re not perfect, and in many ways not amazing. But that doesn’t matter. Because
My emotions act as a filter. I’m always thinking with either my heart or my head. I can never think with both, but I can contrast the two.. If I tell you how I feel, what would it change? I know nothing would change. I settle for the way things are now, but I’m not happy with them.
I’m always here, and you always come back to me. For support, or a shoulder to cry on, or simply as a pair of arms to comfort you. But somehow.. When I need the same you’re not there. But that’s okay. I’ll continue to be there for you. Patiently, unfairly waiting for the day you notice I’ve been here all along. Living by your site. Loving you, and your flaws openly. But none of that matters to you, and it doesn’t matter now. Because you just got your heart broken again.. And came back to me for a hug.
I’m not scared, truly scared, of many things.
I’m not scared of dying, I just want to know.. Exactly what will happen when I do. I’m scared of the unknown after death. What if nothing happens, everything goes black and that’s the end for me. I won’t even know if I exist or not because I won’t know to think. What if there’s really a god? What if there are many? What will they do with me? What if I just reincarnate, thirty years from now as.. A tree? That gets cut down for a house nobody will live in because they can’t afford it. Q
I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of what could be in it. No light is ever fast enough to show that thing you thought you saw. No eye is ever strong enough to see it properly in the dark. That moment when the light goes out, all the light, that’s the moment I wonder if I should be scared.
I’m not afraid of spiders, or snakes, or bears, or sharks. I’m afraid of what they can do to me. I’m just a weak human. One well placed tap and a human dies. One air bubble in your vein and a human dies. One bite, from a small eight legged creature smaller than your thumb nail, simply because it had a whim, a human dies. You enter the water and move in a way that interests a shark, a human dies. You have food when a hungry bear passes by, a human dies. You walk through grass slightly past your ankle and startle a snake.. A human dies.
But what happens after death? Is it the darkness? What’s in the darkness? Is it death?
The thoughts that go through my head however, they scare me. They scare me the worst of all. Because sometimes.. I want to listen to them. These thoughts, these feelings, the voices that aren’t really voices telling me just one.. Just once.. It won’t hurt.. It won’t go wrong.. Nothing bad will happen.
But in reality, just one, once.. Will be the worst pain and the worst betrayal of all.
The thing I’m scared of the most, is
First let’s get a few things out there and pay attention to this. I’m not a republican, and I’m not a democrat. There are more than just two political parties no matter what you’re told. Their votes do matter and there’s nothing wrong with choosing someone who isn’t a democrat or republican.
After so much of this let’s repeal Obamacare Republicans came up with health in insurance that will drop 20million+ people or in other words a lot of people are gonna die, and do you know what they had to say about that?
“Americans have choices, and they’ve got to make a choice. So rather than getting that new iPhone that they just love and want to go spend hundreds of dollars on that, maybe they should invest in their own health care.”
So let’s try and put this in perspective shall we?
Don’t buy that phone, put your money into your healthcare.
Later: Oh shoot, I don’t have a phone. How will I call my boss to know when I have to go into work?
Soon after that: Darn it. I’ve missed too much work and got fired, now I have no money at all.
The next day: I’m hungry.. Maybe I should apply to a job. Wait damn I don’t have a phone to answer the call saying I got the interview.
One week later: I think I have the flu.. I should go to the hospital.
At the hospital: Sorry you don’t have any health insurance we can’t help you.
Person: That’s impossible I have obamacare.
Hospital personnel: Sorry but actually you’ve been dropped. Maybe if you didn’t buy a nice iPhone and put your money into your healthcare you’d be better off.
The person ends up with pneumonia and dies all because they didn’t get that iPhone which led to an unfortunate chain of events because the republicans in charge fucked up.
Now then, this; or something similar will happen to the 20million+ people being dropped from healthcare because they have no money which is why they had obamacare in the first place, or because they took the advice to not buy that phone.
Ah republicans, it is great the deaths of 20million+ people make you
But did you bomb Syria so that those 20million+ people would get killed in the war as civillian casualties and nobody will realize that you’re no longer dropping over 20million people because they all got killed as casualties of a war that you, the republicans threw all of America into?
Cannot be deported, because I was born in America and have the first amendment right to say fuck you all.