confession, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

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I don’t know how to explain it. On the outside I guess you can tell I’m not happy. I’m usually not smiling, and when I am it doesn’t last long. I’m so sick of people including me in their prejudices. All I want is to be left alone and happy. If you can’t leave me alone, then at least have the decency to call me by the correct name, or pronouns. I don’t go out of my way to impose my beliefs on people or try to force them to see things my way. For the most part I mind my own business. Sure I have opinions, I have a ton of them. But does that mean I’m gonna take the time to bring them up and try to make you see things my way? Nope. Because I don’t care what you think. You could be flat out wrong and I probably still wouldn’t correct you. If you wanted to be corrected, you’d do some research. You could be imposing your beliefs onto me. I’ll probably ignore you. But if I don’t ignore you, and our beliefs contradict, I’ll listen to your point of view, form my own opinion and continue to keep it to myself, unless you ask me. But if you come and just decide you’re gonna be a jerk and harass me or constantly mess with me or ignore the one thing I ask which is call me by the correct words, then we have a problem. Then I’ll tell you off. Then I’ll get mad. Not necessarily in that order. Because it takes a lot, to make me even aggravated much less mad. Most of my friends can’t ever say they’ve seen me mad, or if they have it was less than twice. I try to be good tempered. I keep to myself to the point people think I’m shy. I’m not shy, if I don’t talk to you it’s because I have absolutely nothing to say to you. I don’t know you and probably have no interest in starting to. Doesn’t make me “shy”. 

I’m probably clinically depressed, and if I was only surrounded by people who accepted me and made me happy I seriously doubt that would be the case. But you can’t choose your family, and you can’t choose your circumstances. So here I am, constantly unhappy, but too unsatisfied with the way I’d die to kill myself. If I were to die today I’d want to be cremated and scattered because I don’t want a tombstone that’s gonna have the wrong name on it. Or the wrong words under that name.  Hopefully, by the time I do die I’ll die happy. Instead of the way I am now. Constantly in a state of “meh” wishing for things to be different. Making efforts to change things and then more things happen pushing me back or making it so everything stays the same. Other people, would’ve offed themselves by now if they were me. I’ve considered it many times. Committed to it at other times and then not done it because I found no reason death would be any better. They say everything happens for a reason. What was my reason? Why am I here? Was I truly born just to live and die unhappily? What did I do in my past lives or who did I piss off for this? I’m only 19 but I feel like I’ve lived 19 years too long.

I don’t want to. But it’s so hard to ignore it all.

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depressed, free write, freedom of speech, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, short story, Uncategorized

Unrequited

Why am I able to feel feelings for you, in this way, when no matter what I do, you’ll never love me back?

If I could control my emotions, I’d take my heart off my sleeve and put it in a lock box three feet under the sandbox. Nobody ever gets that far trying to dig to China, so it should be safe there.  

I view you as perfect, amazing, everything I’ve ever wanted and more. 

I know you’re not perfect, and in many ways not amazing. But that doesn’t matter. Because

My emotions act as a filter. I’m always thinking with either my heart or my head. I can never think with both, but I can contrast the two.. If I tell you how I feel, what would it change? I know nothing would change. I settle for the way things are now, but I’m not happy with them. 
I’m always here, and you always come back to me. For support, or a shoulder to cry on, or simply as a pair of arms to comfort you. But somehow.. When I need the same you’re not there. But that’s okay. I’ll continue to be there for you. Patiently, unfairly waiting for the day you notice I’ve been here all along. Living by your site. Loving you, and your flaws openly. But none of that matters to you, and it doesn’t matter now. Because you just got your heart broken again.. And came back to me for a hug.

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free write, letter to, poetry, Uncategorized

The truth.

Here, on this blog, 

I am completely honest. 

With myself, with you, 

and with the internet.

 I might leave some stuff out,

 such as the thing that makes me write sometimes. 

The thing that I’m writing about most times. 

To be honest I think it’s funny. 

I’m writing about something so  specific, but just by leaving out the three little words

 that would.. 

Change my life forever

if ever uttered or

 spelled or typed 

or even thought too hard. 

But for some reason, my posts are liked. 

I wonder, 

if you know what you were pressing the like button for,

 would you still press like? 

Or would you leave 

in your disgust.

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Buddhism, confession, depressed, free write, freedom of speech, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Afraid

I’m not scared, truly scared, of many things.

 I’m not scared of dying, I just want to know.. Exactly what will happen when I do. I’m scared of the unknown after death. What if nothing happens, everything goes black and that’s the end for me. I won’t even know if I exist or not because I won’t know to think. What if there’s really a god? What if there are many? What will they do with me? What if I just reincarnate, thirty years from now as.. A tree? That gets cut down for a house nobody will live in because they can’t afford it. Q

I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of what could be in it. No light is ever fast enough to show that thing you thought you saw. No eye is ever strong enough to see it properly in the dark. That moment when the light goes out, all the light, that’s the moment I wonder if I should be scared.

I’m not afraid of spiders, or snakes, or bears, or sharks. I’m afraid of what they can do to me. I’m just a weak human. One well placed tap and a human dies. One air bubble in your vein and a human dies. One bite, from a small eight legged creature smaller than your thumb nail, simply because it had a whim, a human dies. You enter the water and move in a way that interests a shark, a human dies. You have food when a hungry bear passes by, a human dies.  You walk through grass slightly past your ankle and startle a snake.. A human dies. 

But what happens after death? Is it the darkness? What’s in the darkness? Is it death?
The thoughts that go through my head however, they scare me. They scare me the worst of all. Because sometimes.. I want to  listen to them. These thoughts, these feelings, the voices that aren’t really voices telling me just one.. Just once.. It won’t hurt.. It won’t go wrong.. Nothing bad will happen.
But in reality, just one, once.. Will be the worst pain and the worst betrayal of all. 

The thing I’m scared of the most, is
Myself.

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confession, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Hate feeling..

I hate my feelings, my wants and desires. They’re all 

so strong

So wrong.

I shouldn’t feel that way for this person. Not even close. 

Midnight cravings.. 

The urges to act

The willpower to not.

It hurts. It hurts so much just to be myself.

It hurts even more to not.

It kills me to feel the way I feel, knowing I can never.. Act on it.. Or get it out of my head.

So much guilt and I never even did anything.

Just the fact that I want to.. Keeps me up at night in tears. 

And then the good feelings.. They’re even worse. 

Because when it ends

Its shattering pain.

Heartache and confusion

The years wasted the why was it wasted why did you change?

I didn’t change..

How and why.

Do such strong emotions.. Such pitiful thoughts.. Such terrible feelings

So wrong

Immoral

Illegal if done

Just why?.. 

How can I stop it.

So tempted to die.

But that won’t fix it

What will?!

How will I know.. How can I know..

Dying won’t fix anything..

But living doesn’t help.

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anime, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, manga, short story, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Behind the anime

Behind every anime.. There is a manga. Behind some mangas, there is a wuxia novel or chinese light novel. 

Anime is the vision, lacking in detail but full of color.

Manga is the stepping stone. More detailed than any anime, but also just a visual.

Then there’s the Chinese light novel. Which, is anything but light. The shortest one I’ve ever read was 200+ chapters. Light novels can be light, like Harry Potter book one light, or ‘light’ like Harry Potter book one through the last book J.K. Rowling’s author grandchildren writes. 
You might think this is in exaggeration, but there are some wuxia novels, that have 800+ chapters. I’ve read two of them. 

I used to think manga, and normal novels and comics were all that that was out there even worth getting interested in. Then I was introduced to the light novel. 

No other kind of story, book series, TV show, movie, or any other form of expression has ever touched me so deeply. 

Ever.

I have never before, lived, and died with a character. Felt their pain, been so scared for them, excited for them, happy and completely pissed off with them. But when I read my first light novel.. I had to read more. 

I started off with Re: Monster. It was great, and it even had some pages of the manga in it after the chapter just so you could get a visual. But it was so long, and I was so young (16) that I couldn’t finish it. Recently I found the manga for it. I was hugely disappointed.. In only finding barely more than 20 chapters. I was past chapter 600 and will probably have to start all over. 

But I’m okay with that. Because these are the kinds of novels that you read for life.. And I don’t mean that they are so long you’re reading one forever. I mean they’re the kind of thing that you want to come back to.  

Here are some of the sites I use if you want to give them a try. They are in English, and they update with new chapters all the time. Maybe pick one that’s ongoing, you’ll have something to look forward to every couple days.

wuxiaworld.com

shiroyukitranslations.com

translationnations.com

Just make sure to use your imagination going forward.

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free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Logan

There’s this person I know. Their name is Logan. Logan is.. Heavily medicated. But great. Five, almost six years I’ve known Logan. Since before the name change, the gender rejection and all the way back when we shared a teacher. 

I don’t know how to describe Logan as a person. I just know, I love them. If they ever need me for ANYTHING, I’ll be there. I’ll give Logan a kidney, a piece of my liver if they need it. They might not know it.. But they mean a lot to me.

We aren’t the closest

But our relationship is a strange one. We can go weeks or months without talking and pick up like nothing happened. I feel like if.. Logan would come to see me in even the slightest amount of way I see them. Nothing could ever go bad.

I’m stupid sometimes, and honestly don’t know a lot. But they accept me. And I love them for it. 

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