free write, Longwinded nothingness, Something Different, Uncategorized

Something  Different 0.01

I have to tell you what happened. So it can’t happen again. 
It was dark. I was alone, at home. But the door just kept opening and closing, not all the way. Just swinging. I kept telling myself it was just the wind. The window was open the wind moved the door. I knew it wasn’t the wind. It was too mocking. Too.. Many warning flags. I dont know what it was. But I knew I had to keep moving. I didn’t even take anything. Just what I already had in my pockets, what I always, had in my pockets. A wallet, a pocket knife, and my phone. I grabbed my keys and left. I unlocked my bike and rode off. No place in mind, an aimless trek. I could feel it watching me. As if it’s eyes were staring at the back of my head, at the place my hairline meets my neck. The place my skull meets my spine.
It doesn’t want me to talk to you about this, or leave any record-
I have to be fast.
I’ll be back… If it doesn’t get me first.

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Longwinded nothingness, Uncategorized

I’m back

I’ve decided to do something different. And I’ll literally name each post relating to it “Something Different” with whatever part is next to it. A few times I’ve tried to write a book, or a short story and they’ve always gotten pretty good feedback. So I guess I’ll try to do a continuous or actual novel for a change. I’ve attempted before and just lost interest and never finished. I’ll either start in the morning or not to long from now depending on how long I stay awake. It might not have any particular genre, or it might have a few conflicting genres. All I ask is wait until I’m done before making a decision on it.

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confession, depressed, free write, freedom of speech, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Conversations

A conversation with two cisgender heterosexual women. Well the girl I asked out has a boyfriend. She could’ve said that a long ass time ago. Anyway, the two of them were talking to me. And I have had my horizons widened. In their eyes it seems like trans men aren’t real men and trans women aren’t real women. I know they weren’t trying to hurt my feelings but it didn’t feel nice to hear people who I viewed as my friends talk in that way. Honesty however is the best policy. No matter how it feels. 

Here are some of the highlights of the conversation-

  • “I’d rather be with a woman that’s a woman than a man that was a woman. If that’s the case I’d rather just be with a real man. Y’know?
  • I know you’re a girl now and all but if you weren’t born that way don’t try and come across as if you were. (Talking about our coworker who is an mtf transgender woman)
  • You want the sex change? Like you want a ding a ling? Uh uh.

It’s probably just me but. I wouldn’t say any of this to a transgender person. Even if I wasn’t trans I wouldn’t. Then you offer to take me to get my name changed, yay thank you that’s great- then two seconds later oh nevermind I don’t want your mom to get upset. 

I’m sorry what? I’m a legal adult what the hell does my mother have to do with this? Take the bus you say? The bus doesn’t even go that far. Take a lyft or something? Don’t you think I would if I could? 

Sigh.. I just

I thought I finally found people who actually accept me.

But based off what just came out their mouths.. Whatever. Obviously I’m just still too naive. 

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confession, free write, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, Uncategorized

I’m weak.

I was gonna be upset. Not outwardly of course but I wasn’t happy. But then she smiled at me. And I was like I’ll keep waiting. It’s no big deal. As long as it’s her I’ll keep waiting until I can’t anymore. If she says no after all that time then it wasn’t meant to be. But that’s okay. I won’t have to deal with those feelings until then. And still, there’s always the chance she’ll say yes. 

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dinner, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, love, romance, Uncategorized

I did it

It took me months. And I almost had a panic attack. And I almost tripped over air while standing still and my heart was beating so hard it felt like if I talked too much it would fly out my throat. But I did it. For the first time in my life, I asked a girl on a date. I had no idea how she’d react. And I was terrified of being rejected. Technically she didn’t say yes but she didn’t say no either. I asked her to dinner. And she laughed that beautiful laugh. But she said she’d think about it and let me know. My heart kept going a million miles a minute but this time it was with happiness. I didn’t chicken out. I grew a (theoretical) pair and asked her on a date after over two months of wanting to. I’m proud of myself. Even if I do eventually get rejected I can no longer say I didn’t try. 

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free write, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Too much

All my life I’ve been pretty asexual. I have my moments of otherwise but they’re pretty rare. Today is one of those days. I’m trying to work and then my boss comes up being all super attractive and talking to me and Bam. Raging hormones. Damn those jeans. Damn those big hips. Damn that full ass. Damn her for being so nice. Damn me for being a teenager that doesn’t know how to control his sex drive because 99% of the time I don’t have one. And damn those boobs. Why do they have to look so soft. 😣 Im struggling.

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confession, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, Uncategorized

Maturity

I did something stupid and immature today (yesterday now). I sent a stupid message in an important chat. I’m not even sure why I sent it. But afterwards I spent a period of time reflecting on my actions today and well over time in general. I’ve come to the conclusion that in the past 7 years I basically haven’t matured at all. I’ve had my moments but I’m a complete wreck. It’s not a good feeling to realize you’re about as mature as the average 12 year old when you’re almost 20. How can I pinpoint the age of 12? Because I spent the majority of the last two days with my 12 year old cousin and sadly it was the best time I’ve had in weeks. I don’t know if maturity is gained on purpose or through experience or you just act differently over time but I haven’t reached where I need to be. But I’m attempting. So I apologized to the person I sent the immature message to. In my eyes, a mature person isn’t afraid to admit when they were wrong and apologize for it, and I was wrong so I did. Although I’ve been working towards bettering myself I’ve realized I’ve only been working on my outward appearance, muscles, acne etc. But the me on the inside needs work too. Sure I’m likable (I think) but that can only go so far. I need to be reliable, trustworthy and also mature. I don’t know why it took me this long to get to this point mentally but I do know I need to change. 
I’ve decided I’m not going to delete any posts I make on here ever. They will be the record of my growth and I can go back and see how far I’ve come, or how far I need to go. All I really want is to end up happy. Not rich, not poor, not a huge family with 8 kids and 4 spouses that are mainly divorced. I want one marriage and a happy life. But I can’t get to that point if I can’t even get to the mental point of a normal adult.

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