depressed, free write, heartbreak, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, love, Uncategorized

Shattered

I want to think I’ve grown as a person. That my mind has gotten stronger and that I can handle my emotions. I used to block a lot of things out. My mind would keep me from remembering things.. I guess for my own sanity. Now I see why. Once I found out my mind blocks out memories it stopped blocking out new ones. Things I don’t like I have to deal with. Things that hurt me and I don’t properly process give me nightmares. Repeatedly waking me up throughout the night trying to say you wanted me to stop protecting you now cope. I can’t cope. Feelings hurt. Accidental feelings somehow hurt worse. 

If you give someone the power to hurt you, whether on purpose or by accident they will one day shatter you.

Advertisements
Standard
depressed, free write, freedom of speech, heartbreak, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, Uncategorized

Sick of naming sh*t

I haven’t written anything on here in a while. Since my last post I’ve gotten myself right back to where I didn’t want to be. I wasn’t trying to find someone. After the last attempt at a relationship with what might’ve been the biggest mistake of my life dating her, I was content with just being single. I came to the conclusion relationships lead to nothing but heartbreak. Other people can’t be trusted and everything I’ve ever been told was a lie. 

Okay so thats being dramatic but I was honestly planning on just being single for the next ….indeterminate amount of time. Then I re-met someone I’d met before. Got their phone number and was gonna attempt to be friends. Shit happens. Friendship happened, but now feelings happened; on both ends. I fucked up entirely letting myself slip and catch feelings. And as usual I feel strongly. And now I’m moving with the promise of “I’ll date you when you come back” and I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to stay here and spend my time with them, making them smile and feeling the type of happy they make me feel. I don’t know that they’re going to still like me a year from now. I don’t know that I’m going to still like them a year from now. 

They say I should get over them and just find myself a nice man/woman/partner. If it was just so simple I would’ve done it. I don’t want to go through that hurt again. Or accidentally put someone else through it. I feel like when I leave they might get hurt. But I’ll do my best to come back, save up and get a car or just a straight up tiny house or RV. It’s not in my ideal price range but everything I know and love and want to see when I wake up is here. And now.. It’ll all just be here still. While I’m somewhere else hopelessly pining. 

Also, my bike got stolen today so thats great.

Its not great at all. I’m actually really upset. I worked my ass off to afford that bike then worked even harder to get it home because nobody wanted me to get a bike to begin with. Talking about thats why we have cars. I don’t have a car and when I want a ride somewhere its either let me take my sweet ass time and take you in 4 hours or just flat out no. So I got a bike to take myself places. Now its gone. 

Apparently kissing deepens romantic bonds, if that is truly the case I will be all the more hurt later on. Especially if after this year of me being gone I’m actually still into them.. but they got over me. I wonder if this is how military families are. Spouse has gone off to war.. So you wait patiently for them to come back? I doubt I’ll be waited for. I’m wanted now.. But I’m probably easily forgotten. Not going off to war.. Just off to not be homeless. Attempt to man money to come back soon. All I want to do.. Is not leave in the first place. But whatever. I guess thats life or some shit the agnsty teenager who’s given up entirely would say. I’ve already made it my mission to spend as much time as I have left as possible with them. But I don’t know how much that time is anymore. It was two months.. Now its more like 4 days.. 

Standard
free write, Longwinded nothingness, Something Different, Uncategorized

Something  Different 0.01

I have to tell you what happened. So it can’t happen again. 
It was dark. I was alone, at home. But the door just kept opening and closing, not all the way. Just swinging. I kept telling myself it was just the wind. The window was open the wind moved the door. I knew it wasn’t the wind. It was too mocking. Too.. Many warning flags. I dont know what it was. But I knew I had to keep moving. I didn’t even take anything. Just what I already had in my pockets, what I always, had in my pockets. A wallet, a pocket knife, and my phone. I grabbed my keys and left. I unlocked my bike and rode off. No place in mind, an aimless trek. I could feel it watching me. As if it’s eyes were staring at the back of my head, at the place my hairline meets my neck. The place my skull meets my spine.
It doesn’t want me to talk to you about this, or leave any record-
I have to be fast.
I’ll be back… If it doesn’t get me first.

Standard
Longwinded nothingness, Uncategorized

I’m back

I’ve decided to do something different. And I’ll literally name each post relating to it “Something Different” with whatever part is next to it. A few times I’ve tried to write a book, or a short story and they’ve always gotten pretty good feedback. So I guess I’ll try to do a continuous or actual novel for a change. I’ve attempted before and just lost interest and never finished. I’ll either start in the morning or not to long from now depending on how long I stay awake. It might not have any particular genre, or it might have a few conflicting genres. All I ask is wait until I’m done before making a decision on it.

Standard
confession, depressed, free write, freedom of speech, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Conversations

A conversation with two cisgender heterosexual women. Well the girl I asked out has a boyfriend. She could’ve said that a long ass time ago. Anyway, the two of them were talking to me. And I have had my horizons widened. In their eyes it seems like trans men aren’t real men and trans women aren’t real women. I know they weren’t trying to hurt my feelings but it didn’t feel nice to hear people who I viewed as my friends talk in that way. Honesty however is the best policy. No matter how it feels. 

Here are some of the highlights of the conversation-

  • “I’d rather be with a woman that’s a woman than a man that was a woman. If that’s the case I’d rather just be with a real man. Y’know?
  • I know you’re a girl now and all but if you weren’t born that way don’t try and come across as if you were. (Talking about our coworker who is an mtf transgender woman)
  • You want the sex change? Like you want a ding a ling? Uh uh.

It’s probably just me but. I wouldn’t say any of this to a transgender person. Even if I wasn’t trans I wouldn’t. Then you offer to take me to get my name changed, yay thank you that’s great- then two seconds later oh nevermind I don’t want your mom to get upset. 

I’m sorry what? I’m a legal adult what the hell does my mother have to do with this? Take the bus you say? The bus doesn’t even go that far. Take a lyft or something? Don’t you think I would if I could? 

Sigh.. I just

I thought I finally found people who actually accept me.

But based off what just came out their mouths.. Whatever. Obviously I’m just still too naive. 

Standard
confession, free write, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, Uncategorized

I’m weak.

I was gonna be upset. Not outwardly of course but I wasn’t happy. But then she smiled at me. And I was like I’ll keep waiting. It’s no big deal. As long as it’s her I’ll keep waiting until I can’t anymore. If she says no after all that time then it wasn’t meant to be. But that’s okay. I won’t have to deal with those feelings until then. And still, there’s always the chance she’ll say yes. 

Standard
dinner, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, love, romance, Uncategorized

I did it

It took me months. And I almost had a panic attack. And I almost tripped over air while standing still and my heart was beating so hard it felt like if I talked too much it would fly out my throat. But I did it. For the first time in my life, I asked a girl on a date. I had no idea how she’d react. And I was terrified of being rejected. Technically she didn’t say yes but she didn’t say no either. I asked her to dinner. And she laughed that beautiful laugh. But she said she’d think about it and let me know. My heart kept going a million miles a minute but this time it was with happiness. I didn’t chicken out. I grew a (theoretical) pair and asked her on a date after over two months of wanting to. I’m proud of myself. Even if I do eventually get rejected I can no longer say I didn’t try. 

Standard