depressed, free write, heartbreak, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, love, Uncategorized

Shattered

I want to think I’ve grown as a person. That my mind has gotten stronger and that I can handle my emotions. I used to block a lot of things out. My mind would keep me from remembering things.. I guess for my own sanity. Now I see why. Once I found out my mind blocks out memories it stopped blocking out new ones. Things I don’t like I have to deal with. Things that hurt me and I don’t properly process give me nightmares. Repeatedly waking me up throughout the night trying to say you wanted me to stop protecting you now cope. I can’t cope. Feelings hurt. Accidental feelings somehow hurt worse. 

If you give someone the power to hurt you, whether on purpose or by accident they will one day shatter you.

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depressed, free write, freedom of speech, heartbreak, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, Uncategorized

Sick of naming sh*t

I haven’t written anything on here in a while. Since my last post I’ve gotten myself right back to where I didn’t want to be. I wasn’t trying to find someone. After the last attempt at a relationship with what might’ve been the biggest mistake of my life dating her, I was content with just being single. I came to the conclusion relationships lead to nothing but heartbreak. Other people can’t be trusted and everything I’ve ever been told was a lie. 

Okay so thats being dramatic but I was honestly planning on just being single for the next ….indeterminate amount of time. Then I re-met someone I’d met before. Got their phone number and was gonna attempt to be friends. Shit happens. Friendship happened, but now feelings happened; on both ends. I fucked up entirely letting myself slip and catch feelings. And as usual I feel strongly. And now I’m moving with the promise of “I’ll date you when you come back” and I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to stay here and spend my time with them, making them smile and feeling the type of happy they make me feel. I don’t know that they’re going to still like me a year from now. I don’t know that I’m going to still like them a year from now. 

They say I should get over them and just find myself a nice man/woman/partner. If it was just so simple I would’ve done it. I don’t want to go through that hurt again. Or accidentally put someone else through it. I feel like when I leave they might get hurt. But I’ll do my best to come back, save up and get a car or just a straight up tiny house or RV. It’s not in my ideal price range but everything I know and love and want to see when I wake up is here. And now.. It’ll all just be here still. While I’m somewhere else hopelessly pining. 

Also, my bike got stolen today so thats great.

Its not great at all. I’m actually really upset. I worked my ass off to afford that bike then worked even harder to get it home because nobody wanted me to get a bike to begin with. Talking about thats why we have cars. I don’t have a car and when I want a ride somewhere its either let me take my sweet ass time and take you in 4 hours or just flat out no. So I got a bike to take myself places. Now its gone. 

Apparently kissing deepens romantic bonds, if that is truly the case I will be all the more hurt later on. Especially if after this year of me being gone I’m actually still into them.. but they got over me. I wonder if this is how military families are. Spouse has gone off to war.. So you wait patiently for them to come back? I doubt I’ll be waited for. I’m wanted now.. But I’m probably easily forgotten. Not going off to war.. Just off to not be homeless. Attempt to man money to come back soon. All I want to do.. Is not leave in the first place. But whatever. I guess thats life or some shit the agnsty teenager who’s given up entirely would say. I’ve already made it my mission to spend as much time as I have left as possible with them. But I don’t know how much that time is anymore. It was two months.. Now its more like 4 days.. 

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depressed, free write, freedom of speech, heartbreak, letter to, love, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Letter to S

I love you. I don’t know why. And I wish I didn’t. I fucking hate you and the way you make me feel. I fucking love everything about you. I hate how you can get to me. I hate how when I check on you, and show concern and you’re upset you snap on me. If I’m being nice why are you being a bitch. Just because you’re upset does not mean you have to make everyone else upset too. Do you know how fucking hard it is to not snap on your bullshit. I wanna be a nice person. Out of friendship I don’t snap back on you even though you’re in the wrong. Even though you lied. Even though we still talk. Even though I hate you and your bullshit reasons. Even though I love you because my heart, my stupid fucking heart won’t let go of you. Thank you, for showing me I’m likable. Fuck you for throwing me away with your bullshit excuse. Thank you, for dumping me so I can find someone I deserve. Someone I can make happy and who will make me happy. I am enough. I am a man and fuck you for thinking otherwise. Fuck you for saying otherwise. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I hate you. You hurt me, for no reason then had the gall to say you were hurting too. You don’t get to hurt. YOU decided to end it. Fuck you and your feelings. I think I don’t love you. But watch. The second you say anything to me, or flash that fucking smile its gonna start all over. I know damn well I’m gonna love you again. And I’m gonna hate you again all over every time again. 

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confession, depressed, free write, heartbreak, letter to, LGBTQ, love, romance, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Women and emotions

I always thought all I’d have to do was be loyal and show affection to be happy. For a time that was enough. A long time ago I met a girl in a group chat through some friends. We didn’t talk much and lost contact pretty quickly. A few months ago playing a game with my same friend she joined and took a liking to me. At first, I wasn’t interested but didn’t wanna hurt her feelings so I went along with it. Then I somehow started liking her. Eventually, I fell in love, and she said she did too. In fact, she said it first. We started dating, she knew all along I was trans since before she showed an interest in me. Everything was going great. For about two months. For the first month we were just talking and messing around then, we started dating and our one month mark was fast approaching.  I sent her a package with some things she wanted and some teas I wanted her to try and some candy she likes. Out of the three teas I wanted her to try she liked two and hated the third. So she gave them to her mom. The next day her mom noticed the teas and asked where they came from… She said her boyfriend sent them. Which was me. Her mom decided that we couldn’t date. Because for some reason even though she told me she wouldn’t tell her mom I was trans until way later in our relationship she told her mom anyway. SO, her mom being a Christian and now in my eyes an asshole also decided that her daughter was trying to be a lesbian and if she continued down this path she would send her to counseling. Because no matter what I do I will always be a girl and nothing will change that. And ..she agreed with her mom. She broke up with me on the spot, through text no less. After all these words… of she doesn’t care I’m trans.. and she loves me for who I am not my body parts.. She broke up with me because she doesn’t want to be a lesbian. I asked her, if her mom had given her the same talk but hadn’t said we had to break up would we still be together and her answer was no. The fucked up part is.. I still love her, and it is killing me. She says she still loves me and it makes no sense to me. If she loves me why did she break up with me. Why did she suddenly change her mind. Why so many things…

It’s not fair. I didn’t ask to be this way.  I don’t want to be this way. I just wanna be loved like everyone else. I have so much love to give. Everything was going great.. but now its all gone to shit. And she acts like nothing happened. She keeps talking to me like normal, and asking if I’m okay. She keeps telling me she loves me and I know I still love her. Maybe I’m just more broken than I ever thought I would be before. She keeps wanting me to say it back. Its been three days. The first day I cried a lot and considered throwing things, the only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t wanna break the few things I do own. I considered killing myself but it wouldn’t solve anything. In the midst of my mind that was just a hurricane of “its not fair and I didt ask to be this way and I’m not a girl” I almost went to the kitchen to cut my breasts off. But thankfully that seemed like a terrible idea and I stopped myself. The second day I slept in and then got high all day. Any time I even felt myself sobering up I would get high again because feeling hurt too much. While I was high I processed my thoughts without tears because I had this calmness that made everything less emotional and more clear. Today I woke up to her. Apparently she wanted me to keep her company. Shes still here. watching me type, but she can’t see what I’m typing. Testing my limits which at this point I dont even know what they are. Typing this.. actually made me feel better.

Because obviously my emotions outward appearance and entire life dont mean shit to anyone but me.

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dinner, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, love, romance, Uncategorized

I did it

It took me months. And I almost had a panic attack. And I almost tripped over air while standing still and my heart was beating so hard it felt like if I talked too much it would fly out my throat. But I did it. For the first time in my life, I asked a girl on a date. I had no idea how she’d react. And I was terrified of being rejected. Technically she didn’t say yes but she didn’t say no either. I asked her to dinner. And she laughed that beautiful laugh. But she said she’d think about it and let me know. My heart kept going a million miles a minute but this time it was with happiness. I didn’t chicken out. I grew a (theoretical) pair and asked her on a date after over two months of wanting to. I’m proud of myself. Even if I do eventually get rejected I can no longer say I didn’t try. 

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confession, depressed, free write, Longwinded nothingness, love, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

I think too much.

I’m always thinking about what the looks on other people’s faces could mean. When they look at me what do they see. When they make that expression what are they feeling. Half the time I don’t even care. 

How many nights, am I going to sit there for hours feeling that burning in the middle of my chest from wanting to cry. And then hold back tears because I refuse to give them the satisfaction of falling? How many times am I going to have to want to die before I man up and just kill myself. Or is it better not to..

I got a job. Around the time I stopped posting. I use an app for the job and I guess I let it take over my life. Writing.. Used to make me feel better. Almost everything used to make me feel better. But now it’s like I’m floating in a world of grey lava. If that makes sense. I’m never happy, always want to cry and the only time I’m at any kind of peace is when im too busy to have a chance to think. I think that’s the main reason I like my job. On a good day, I don’t have a chance to think. On a bad day though, that’s all I can do. 

My coworkers are mostly nice though. But sometimes they talk shit about our boss. I wish they didn’t. She’s a really nice person. I bet if she was a bitch they’d really have something to talk about, but some people just don’t see other people as people too. 

Just because someone is in charge of you doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings too. I learned this at a really young age.. When I made my mom cry because I cared more about my gameboy than her (I still have that gameboy).

My job is I shop for lazy people, and lately I’ve been going through a lot of shit. Mentally and apparently physically if the new pains I was feeling today are any indication. I probably have a cracked rib. 

First of all, let me put it out there that I REALLY like my boss. As a person as well as otherwise. She’s sweet, kind hearted, beautiful strong and as I found out today- also sensitive. She was sad today after she found- well yesterday now after she found out that some of my coworkers were talking shit about her. It hurt me seeing her sad and there was nothing I could do about it. 

I don’t know when I started caring again. But apparently I care about her. 

All I could do was try to make her laugh but I don’t think I was really of any help to her mental state. 

I find myself staring off into space more and more now. Thinking longer and more deeply each time. I’m not okay. My life is not okay, it’s in shambles. All along I’ve been living with the high possibility of becoming homeless. Now thats turned into an IMMINENT homelessness. Who would I even tell? What could anyone even do. Our finances were even worse off than I thought before. Even with me working almost every day skipping breaks so I can make every penny, somehow we’re still in the red. 

All I want is to be happy and healthy. I dont want to be a millionaire. I don’t want a big fancy house. I don’t want much of anything really. All those trips to the hospital and I’m still broken. All these meltdowns and im still broken. Today at work I felt my heart try to stop. The sad part is, I was more curious about what would happen if I just fell over dead than I was scared of dying. 

I don’t have a will so.. In case anyone reads this that knows me, and I randomly drop dead, Bury me in my white camo shorts, black button up and batman hat. Maybe in my lifetime nothing will go the way I want it to. But maybe after I die something could go my way for once? 

Sometimes I fall too hard, and too fast for even myself to comprehend. I hope I’m not in love with her. I don’t think I could handle getting my heart broken right now. 

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confession, Deadbeat Dad, depressed, free write, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, short story, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Jumper

‘Hm.. That’s a strange shadow. Sorta looks like a person.’

I look on top the building, and see a girl standing on the edge. She looks upset. I might as well go up and check it out.

The door isn’t locked. I climb up 8 flights of stairs. I’m breathing kinda hard by the time I reach the top. The door to the roof is clearly marked so I go through it. The door creaks and the girl turns around. 

“DON’T! DONT COME ANY CLOSER!” She yells at me. 

I furrow my brow. “Why not? Whether I go over there or not has no impact on if you jump. Does it?”

She frowns. I walk over to the ledge and sit down about two feet from her. 

“Why are you here?” She asks.

“I was walking by. Felt like coming to see what you were doing. There’s a pretty good view of the city from here.”

She considers kicking me. I can see it on her face. I look back at the skyline of the city. 

“Are you gonna try and talk me down?”

“Do you want to be talked down?” I respond. I still don’t look at her. 

Out the corner of my eye I see droplets falling over the edge. Either it’s raining, or she’s crying. Probably crying. I still don’t look at her. 

“Yes. No. I don’t know what I want anymore.”

I glance at her. Shes looking at me and has tear stains going down her cheeks.I reach in my pocket and hand her a tissue I grabbed on the off chance I’d need it in a Wendy’s earlier. 

“Have a seat. All that standing probably made you tired.”

She sits down wiping her face not even realizing she stopped standing on the edge. 

“Can I ask you something?” She says. I nod and look at the cars driving in the distance. “Do you think I’m pretty?” I look at her. I really look at her. The curve of her jaw, the shape of the arch of her eyebrows, the color of her blue-green eyes and the will to live that’s gone out of them. Her salmon colored lips and dark orange hair. The splash of freckles across the bridge of her nose on her slightly tanned skin. She’s pretty. She’s not gonna stop traffic but I like the way she looks. 

She waits as I study her. And the longer I look the more she starts to fidget. When she breaks eye contact I look back at the cars.

“What does my opinion matter to you. I’m a stranger. For all you know, I could be gay.” 

Based on the look on her face I can tell she was not expecting that answer. 

“Are you gay?”

I shake my head. “Then do you think I’m pretty?” She asks again. 

I make direct eye contact. “I think you’re pretty. I think you’re really pretty. Personally you’re my ideal woman. If in looks only. But looks aren’t everything. Were you on the edge because someone called you ugly?”

She’s beet red. “No. I’m not that petty. I was on the edge because I’m alone. My family is dead, my friends don’t ever want to hang out with me and my last boyfriend killed himself.” 

I look at her again. She looks at me. 

“That’s why you want to die?”

She looks down. “I don’t want to die. I just don’t know, if I want to live.”

I realize I’m sweating. And then I realize that some of what I thought was her blushing was also flushing from the heat. 

“Do you wanna go get a smoothie or something? Its pretty hot up here.” 

She looks at me like I’m an idiot. I look at her calmly and wipe my forehead with the back of my hand. She keeps looking at me. I break eye contact but I can still feel her staring. “Okay.. Maybe it was a bad idea.”

She comes closer to me. She puts one hand on my shoulder and holds my chin with the other. She tilts my head this way and that then sits back to look at me some more. 

“…are you transgender?”

Okay. Obviously I wasn’t passing as well as I thought. But I nod. She stands up and extends a hand toward me. “I’m buying” she says. 

I’m very, very confused right now. What the hell just happened? I follow behind her. I’m about three inches taller than her. I take this chance to.. Take in her figure. It’s not a bad one. I don’t look for more than two seconds. I’m not a creep I swear. 

We get to the first floor and go out. About two blocks away is a smoothie shop. We walk the two blocks in silence stealing glances at each other when we think the other isn’t looking. I got pretty quiet after I realized I wasn’t passing as well. Keeping my head sort of down and not looking at strangers. Not talking. 

“Are you okay?” She asks me outside the smoothie shop. I open the door for her and nod while shrugging. Like ‘yeah of course’.
We order smoothies. Hers is pink and mine is a sort of light purple. She pays literally slapping my hand away when I tried. The cashier got a kick out of that and then we sat in a corner booth.

“Whats your name?” I ask. She looks at me with a crooked grin. 

“Only took you forever to ask. You can call me Angel.” She says.

I feel like that’s not her name but nod. “Jason.” I say and reach out my hand to shake hers. She scoffs and sips her smoothie leaving me there awkwardly with an outstretched hand. I look down and sip my smoothie with that hand now under the table. I feel her staring at me again. But this time I don’t mind as much. I look up and defiantly stare back. She scoots over to my side of the bench. I sip my smoothie again and pretend to ignore her. She reaches her hand under the bottom of my shirt. I feel my heartbeat quicken because I don’t know what she’s going to do. 

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