It took me months. And I almost had a panic attack. And I almost tripped over air while standing still and my heart was beating so hard it felt like if I talked too much it would fly out my throat. But I did it. For the first time in my life, I asked a girl on a date. I had no idea how she’d react. And I was terrified of being rejected. Technically she didn’t say yes but she didn’t say no either. I asked her to dinner. And she laughed that beautiful laugh. But she said she’d think about it and let me know. My heart kept going a million miles a minute but this time it was with happiness. I didn’t chicken out. I grew a (theoretical) pair and asked her on a date after over two months of wanting to. I’m proud of myself. Even if I do eventually get rejected I can no longer say I didn’t try.
I’m always thinking about what the looks on other people’s faces could mean. When they look at me what do they see. When they make that expression what are they feeling. Half the time I don’t even care.
How many nights, am I going to sit there for hours feeling that burning in the middle of my chest from wanting to cry. And then hold back tears because I refuse to give them the satisfaction of falling? How many times am I going to have to want to die before I man up and just kill myself. Or is it better not to..
I got a job. Around the time I stopped posting. I use an app for the job and I guess I let it take over my life. Writing.. Used to make me feel better. Almost everything used to make me feel better. But now it’s like I’m floating in a world of grey lava. If that makes sense. I’m never happy, always want to cry and the only time I’m at any kind of peace is when im too busy to have a chance to think. I think that’s the main reason I like my job. On a good day, I don’t have a chance to think. On a bad day though, that’s all I can do.
My coworkers are mostly nice though. But sometimes they talk shit about our boss. I wish they didn’t. She’s a really nice person. I bet if she was a bitch they’d really have something to talk about, but some people just don’t see other people as people too.
Just because someone is in charge of you doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings too. I learned this at a really young age.. When I made my mom cry because I cared more about my gameboy than her (I still have that gameboy).
My job is I shop for lazy people, and lately I’ve been going through a lot of shit. Mentally and apparently physically if the new pains I was feeling today are any indication. I probably have a cracked rib.
First of all, let me put it out there that I REALLY like my boss. As a person as well as otherwise. She’s sweet, kind hearted, beautiful strong and as I found out today- also sensitive. She was sad today after she found- well yesterday now after she found out that some of my coworkers were talking shit about her. It hurt me seeing her sad and there was nothing I could do about it.
I don’t know when I started caring again. But apparently I care about her.
All I could do was try to make her laugh but I don’t think I was really of any help to her mental state.
I find myself staring off into space more and more now. Thinking longer and more deeply each time. I’m not okay. My life is not okay, it’s in shambles. All along I’ve been living with the high possibility of becoming homeless. Now thats turned into an IMMINENT homelessness. Who would I even tell? What could anyone even do. Our finances were even worse off than I thought before. Even with me working almost every day skipping breaks so I can make every penny, somehow we’re still in the red.
All I want is to be happy and healthy. I dont want to be a millionaire. I don’t want a big fancy house. I don’t want much of anything really. All those trips to the hospital and I’m still broken. All these meltdowns and im still broken. Today at work I felt my heart try to stop. The sad part is, I was more curious about what would happen if I just fell over dead than I was scared of dying.
I don’t have a will so.. In case anyone reads this that knows me, and I randomly drop dead, Bury me in my white camo shorts, black button up and batman hat. Maybe in my lifetime nothing will go the way I want it to. But maybe after I die something could go my way for once?
Sometimes I fall too hard, and too fast for even myself to comprehend. I hope I’m not in love with her. I don’t think I could handle getting my heart broken right now.
‘Hm.. That’s a strange shadow. Sorta looks like a person.’
I look on top the building, and see a girl standing on the edge. She looks upset. I might as well go up and check it out.
The door isn’t locked. I climb up 8 flights of stairs. I’m breathing kinda hard by the time I reach the top. The door to the roof is clearly marked so I go through it. The door creaks and the girl turns around.
“DON’T! DONT COME ANY CLOSER!” She yells at me.
I furrow my brow. “Why not? Whether I go over there or not has no impact on if you jump. Does it?”
She frowns. I walk over to the ledge and sit down about two feet from her.
“Why are you here?” She asks.
“I was walking by. Felt like coming to see what you were doing. There’s a pretty good view of the city from here.”
She considers kicking me. I can see it on her face. I look back at the skyline of the city.
“Are you gonna try and talk me down?”
“Do you want to be talked down?” I respond. I still don’t look at her.
Out the corner of my eye I see droplets falling over the edge. Either it’s raining, or she’s crying. Probably crying. I still don’t look at her.
“Yes. No. I don’t know what I want anymore.”
I glance at her. Shes looking at me and has tear stains going down her cheeks.I reach in my pocket and hand her a tissue I grabbed on the off chance I’d need it in a Wendy’s earlier.
“Have a seat. All that standing probably made you tired.”
She sits down wiping her face not even realizing she stopped standing on the edge.
“Can I ask you something?” She says. I nod and look at the cars driving in the distance. “Do you think I’m pretty?” I look at her. I really look at her. The curve of her jaw, the shape of the arch of her eyebrows, the color of her blue-green eyes and the will to live that’s gone out of them. Her salmon colored lips and dark orange hair. The splash of freckles across the bridge of her nose on her slightly tanned skin. She’s pretty. She’s not gonna stop traffic but I like the way she looks.
She waits as I study her. And the longer I look the more she starts to fidget. When she breaks eye contact I look back at the cars.
“What does my opinion matter to you. I’m a stranger. For all you know, I could be gay.”
Based on the look on her face I can tell she was not expecting that answer.
“Are you gay?”
I shake my head. “Then do you think I’m pretty?” She asks again.
I make direct eye contact. “I think you’re pretty. I think you’re really pretty. Personally you’re my ideal woman. If in looks only. But looks aren’t everything. Were you on the edge because someone called you ugly?”
She’s beet red. “No. I’m not that petty. I was on the edge because I’m alone. My family is dead, my friends don’t ever want to hang out with me and my last boyfriend killed himself.”
I look at her again. She looks at me.
“That’s why you want to die?”
She looks down. “I don’t want to die. I just don’t know, if I want to live.”
I realize I’m sweating. And then I realize that some of what I thought was her blushing was also flushing from the heat.
“Do you wanna go get a smoothie or something? Its pretty hot up here.”
She looks at me like I’m an idiot. I look at her calmly and wipe my forehead with the back of my hand. She keeps looking at me. I break eye contact but I can still feel her staring. “Okay.. Maybe it was a bad idea.”
She comes closer to me. She puts one hand on my shoulder and holds my chin with the other. She tilts my head this way and that then sits back to look at me some more.
“…are you transgender?”
Okay. Obviously I wasn’t passing as well as I thought. But I nod. She stands up and extends a hand toward me. “I’m buying” she says.
I’m very, very confused right now. What the hell just happened? I follow behind her. I’m about three inches taller than her. I take this chance to.. Take in her figure. It’s not a bad one. I don’t look for more than two seconds. I’m not a creep I swear.
We get to the first floor and go out. About two blocks away is a smoothie shop. We walk the two blocks in silence stealing glances at each other when we think the other isn’t looking. I got pretty quiet after I realized I wasn’t passing as well. Keeping my head sort of down and not looking at strangers. Not talking.
“Are you okay?” She asks me outside the smoothie shop. I open the door for her and nod while shrugging. Like ‘yeah of course’.
We order smoothies. Hers is pink and mine is a sort of light purple. She pays literally slapping my hand away when I tried. The cashier got a kick out of that and then we sat in a corner booth.
“Whats your name?” I ask. She looks at me with a crooked grin.
“Only took you forever to ask. You can call me Angel.” She says.
I feel like that’s not her name but nod. “Jason.” I say and reach out my hand to shake hers. She scoffs and sips her smoothie leaving me there awkwardly with an outstretched hand. I look down and sip my smoothie with that hand now under the table. I feel her staring at me again. But this time I don’t mind as much. I look up and defiantly stare back. She scoots over to my side of the bench. I sip my smoothie again and pretend to ignore her. She reaches her hand under the bottom of my shirt. I feel my heartbeat quicken because I don’t know what she’s going to do.
Why am I able to feel feelings for you, in this way, when no matter what I do, you’ll never love me back?
If I could control my emotions, I’d take my heart off my sleeve and put it in a lock box three feet under the sandbox. Nobody ever gets that far trying to dig to China, so it should be safe there.
I view you as perfect, amazing, everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
I know you’re not perfect, and in many ways not amazing. But that doesn’t matter. Because
My emotions act as a filter. I’m always thinking with either my heart or my head. I can never think with both, but I can contrast the two.. If I tell you how I feel, what would it change? I know nothing would change. I settle for the way things are now, but I’m not happy with them.
I’m always here, and you always come back to me. For support, or a shoulder to cry on, or simply as a pair of arms to comfort you. But somehow.. When I need the same you’re not there. But that’s okay. I’ll continue to be there for you. Patiently, unfairly waiting for the day you notice I’ve been here all along. Living by your site. Loving you, and your flaws openly. But none of that matters to you, and it doesn’t matter now. Because you just got your heart broken again.. And came back to me for a hug.
I’m not scared, truly scared, of many things.
I’m not scared of dying, I just want to know.. Exactly what will happen when I do. I’m scared of the unknown after death. What if nothing happens, everything goes black and that’s the end for me. I won’t even know if I exist or not because I won’t know to think. What if there’s really a god? What if there are many? What will they do with me? What if I just reincarnate, thirty years from now as.. A tree? That gets cut down for a house nobody will live in because they can’t afford it. Q
I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of what could be in it. No light is ever fast enough to show that thing you thought you saw. No eye is ever strong enough to see it properly in the dark. That moment when the light goes out, all the light, that’s the moment I wonder if I should be scared.
I’m not afraid of spiders, or snakes, or bears, or sharks. I’m afraid of what they can do to me. I’m just a weak human. One well placed tap and a human dies. One air bubble in your vein and a human dies. One bite, from a small eight legged creature smaller than your thumb nail, simply because it had a whim, a human dies. You enter the water and move in a way that interests a shark, a human dies. You have food when a hungry bear passes by, a human dies. You walk through grass slightly past your ankle and startle a snake.. A human dies.
But what happens after death? Is it the darkness? What’s in the darkness? Is it death?
The thoughts that go through my head however, they scare me. They scare me the worst of all. Because sometimes.. I want to listen to them. These thoughts, these feelings, the voices that aren’t really voices telling me just one.. Just once.. It won’t hurt.. It won’t go wrong.. Nothing bad will happen.
But in reality, just one, once.. Will be the worst pain and the worst betrayal of all.
The thing I’m scared of the most, is
I hate my feelings, my wants and desires. They’re all
I shouldn’t feel that way for this person. Not even close.
The urges to act
The willpower to not.
It hurts. It hurts so much just to be myself.
It hurts even more to not.
It kills me to feel the way I feel, knowing I can never.. Act on it.. Or get it out of my head.
So much guilt and I never even did anything.
Just the fact that I want to.. Keeps me up at night in tears.
And then the good feelings.. They’re even worse.
Because when it ends
Its shattering pain.
Heartache and confusion
The years wasted the why was it wasted why did you change?
I didn’t change..
How and why.
Do such strong emotions.. Such pitiful thoughts.. Such terrible feelings
Illegal if done
How can I stop it.
So tempted to die.
But that won’t fix it
How will I know.. How can I know..
Dying won’t fix anything..
But living doesn’t help.
Behind every anime.. There is a manga. Behind some mangas, there is a wuxia novel or chinese light novel.
Anime is the vision, lacking in detail but full of color.
Manga is the stepping stone. More detailed than any anime, but also just a visual.
Then there’s the Chinese light novel. Which, is anything but light. The shortest one I’ve ever read was 200+ chapters. Light novels can be light, like Harry Potter book one light, or ‘light’ like Harry Potter book one through the last book J.K. Rowling’s author grandchildren writes.
You might think this is in exaggeration, but there are some wuxia novels, that have 800+ chapters. I’ve read two of them.
I used to think manga, and normal novels and comics were all that that was out there even worth getting interested in. Then I was introduced to the light novel.
No other kind of story, book series, TV show, movie, or any other form of expression has ever touched me so deeply.
I have never before, lived, and died with a character. Felt their pain, been so scared for them, excited for them, happy and completely pissed off with them. But when I read my first light novel.. I had to read more.
I started off with Re: Monster. It was great, and it even had some pages of the manga in it after the chapter just so you could get a visual. But it was so long, and I was so young (16) that I couldn’t finish it. Recently I found the manga for it. I was hugely disappointed.. In only finding barely more than 20 chapters. I was past chapter 600 and will probably have to start all over.
But I’m okay with that. Because these are the kinds of novels that you read for life.. And I don’t mean that they are so long you’re reading one forever. I mean they’re the kind of thing that you want to come back to.
Here are some of the sites I use if you want to give them a try. They are in English, and they update with new chapters all the time. Maybe pick one that’s ongoing, you’ll have something to look forward to every couple days.
Just make sure to use your imagination going forward.