depressed, fundraising, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, pets, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Raspberry Sprite

Tomorrow I turn 19. And I’m hating every second leading up to it. My cake is gonna say my birth name. My family is gonna be all happy birthday “birth name” and I’m probably gonna be looking upset the whole day. The only thing I’ve decided to do is wear my binder, my favorite male dress shirt and my matching cargo shorts so I can have some amount of happiness on what they call my day. (Literally typed that standing next to my homophobic grandfather) I don’t know how tomorrow is gonna go, but I only want three things really. 




Earlier today my mom was like “Okay I’m gonna ask you not so nicely- What the hell do you want for your birthday girl?”

I went mute and probably looked pissed but I wasn’t looking at her so what do I know. For almost a year now, my mom has known I’m trans and identify as a male. About two weeks ago she sat me down and was like I support you and want you to feel like you can talk to me- blabla after her initial reaction of when I came out as bisexual “You’re not normal” (which she later claimed she never said) or when I came out as a lesbian “Don’t go hitting on people because you’re gonna end up killed not everyone shares your point of view and I read your texts and-” are you fucking kidding me. Where is my privacy and when did I ask you what I should do with my sexuality. Did I mention that from the moment I came out as a lesbian to her, WHICH SHE ASKED ME ABOUT, She decided to tell me I should marry my -wait for it- Cisgender male friend Carlos so she could have polite grandchildren. 😐 (straight face×7) 
Why. Wtf. Where is the respect for MY FEELINGS?! 

Nowhere, thank you very much. And when I came out to her as transgender because she was determined to get me in something girly at graduation she decided to grab my chin and say “Sorry to tell you this, but you’re a girl.” 

*sigh* can I just die yet? No? Well fuck.

And now, months later, almost an entire year later she tells me she supports me and wants me to feel like I can talk to her. I feel extremely supported after that past. (I am being very, very sarcastic here.) 

Anyway I’ve been thinking about my first post on here quite a bit and feel like I should rephrase it and probably say how I feel now. 

Vaginas: I still ignore mine to the best of my ability. Yes I take showers and make sure every inch of me is clean I didn’t mean I ignore it that way. After some time I’ve overcome my extreme disgust of basically ALL genitals and now I can get over the fact that they exist. If I happen to have a female bodied partner and I care about her, I will love her and her vagina no matter how it looks if that’s what she wants from me. I’m the kind of person that when I love someone I want to love all of that person. Vagina or not, you want to have sex with me I will do it. I will eat you out with vigor if I love you. About what I was saying about.. Charcoal ghetto bitches
I meant people that only speak in slang, have grills for no reason, so much makeup it looks like a crayon box threw up on your face and your clothes are about three sizes too small. To me, that is extremely ridiculously hideously unattractive. 

However, you do you boo you’re just not the girl for me. I prefer people who at least attempt to look decent and attempt to be or talk like they have an education. I don’t care if you are stupid I can deal with stupid, I just want someone who makes me happy and I can make happy. 
I’ve had two transgender boyfriends since I came out as trans. And since then I’ve started questioning my sexuality. I like men I just can’t see myself being in a relationship with them or in most cases anyone because I’m predominantly asexual and all the men I know want sex. Maybe if I could date a man who is also asexual or I only have to deal with their upper body. I guess I’m only romantically attracted to men. I’ve been sexually attracted to one female in the past year and the relationship went nowhere past friendship so whatever. I don’t know where I’m going with this- I don’t understand my sexuality anymore. I would have sex with a woman probably and probably not a man trans or otherwise. A transgender woman sure I would have sex with them but the only transgender women I have met were suuuuper nice but sadly about 20 years above my age group..

I titled this Raspberry sprite. Why? Because in Wendy’s today at the coca cola freestyle machine -which is this fancy soda machine with a touch screen which have been popping up semi recently in restaurants such as burger king and Wendy’s because they use coca cola products as their drinks- was empty the only drinks it had were zero drinks and plain water. They ended up switching out some cartridges which apparently is how it works. I got cherry vanilla sprite, finished it and tried raspberry vitamin water. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t my favorite and so I added raspberry sprite on top of it and then it was great. Okay if you read all this you’re awesome if not you’ll suck and probably never know.

Also I buried my turtle today. His name was Saturn and he was awesome. 

I tried to put a picture of him I really don’t know if it worked. My mom and brother and one of my two cats came to his funeral. My brother is ten and asked why do pets die so fast. I didn’t answer him because I was wondering that too.

depressed, fundraising, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, pets, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Dysphoria is real and sucks

There’s almost nothing worse than hating your own body. Feeling like it doesn’t match up to who you are is completely horrifying. Like you have a third arm that slaps everyone that comes close to you or one leg that’s half the size of your other leg and you can’t walk because you’re completely uneven. Transgender individuals deal with their bodies not matching up to them every day. 

I think I’m depressed again. And my turtle drowned last night.