depressed, free write, freedom of speech, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, short story, Uncategorized

Unrequited

Why am I able to feel feelings for you, in this way, when no matter what I do, you’ll never love me back?

If I could control my emotions, I’d take my heart off my sleeve and put it in a lock box three feet under the sandbox. Nobody ever gets that far trying to dig to China, so it should be safe there.  

I view you as perfect, amazing, everything I’ve ever wanted and more. 

I know you’re not perfect, and in many ways not amazing. But that doesn’t matter. Because

My emotions act as a filter. I’m always thinking with either my heart or my head. I can never think with both, but I can contrast the two.. If I tell you how I feel, what would it change? I know nothing would change. I settle for the way things are now, but I’m not happy with them. 
I’m always here, and you always come back to me. For support, or a shoulder to cry on, or simply as a pair of arms to comfort you. But somehow.. When I need the same you’re not there. But that’s okay. I’ll continue to be there for you. Patiently, unfairly waiting for the day you notice I’ve been here all along. Living by your site. Loving you, and your flaws openly. But none of that matters to you, and it doesn’t matter now. Because you just got your heart broken again.. And came back to me for a hug.

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free write, letter to, poetry, Uncategorized

The truth.

Here, on this blog, 

I am completely honest. 

With myself, with you, 

and with the internet.

 I might leave some stuff out,

 such as the thing that makes me write sometimes. 

The thing that I’m writing about most times. 

To be honest I think it’s funny. 

I’m writing about something so  specific, but just by leaving out the three little words

 that would.. 

Change my life forever

if ever uttered or

 spelled or typed 

or even thought too hard. 

But for some reason, my posts are liked. 

I wonder, 

if you know what you were pressing the like button for,

 would you still press like? 

Or would you leave 

in your disgust.

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Buddhism, confession, depressed, free write, freedom of speech, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Afraid

I’m not scared, truly scared, of many things.

 I’m not scared of dying, I just want to know.. Exactly what will happen when I do. I’m scared of the unknown after death. What if nothing happens, everything goes black and that’s the end for me. I won’t even know if I exist or not because I won’t know to think. What if there’s really a god? What if there are many? What will they do with me? What if I just reincarnate, thirty years from now as.. A tree? That gets cut down for a house nobody will live in because they can’t afford it. Q

I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of what could be in it. No light is ever fast enough to show that thing you thought you saw. No eye is ever strong enough to see it properly in the dark. That moment when the light goes out, all the light, that’s the moment I wonder if I should be scared.

I’m not afraid of spiders, or snakes, or bears, or sharks. I’m afraid of what they can do to me. I’m just a weak human. One well placed tap and a human dies. One air bubble in your vein and a human dies. One bite, from a small eight legged creature smaller than your thumb nail, simply because it had a whim, a human dies. You enter the water and move in a way that interests a shark, a human dies. You have food when a hungry bear passes by, a human dies.  You walk through grass slightly past your ankle and startle a snake.. A human dies. 

But what happens after death? Is it the darkness? What’s in the darkness? Is it death?
The thoughts that go through my head however, they scare me. They scare me the worst of all. Because sometimes.. I want to  listen to them. These thoughts, these feelings, the voices that aren’t really voices telling me just one.. Just once.. It won’t hurt.. It won’t go wrong.. Nothing bad will happen.
But in reality, just one, once.. Will be the worst pain and the worst betrayal of all. 

The thing I’m scared of the most, is
Myself.

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confession, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Hate feeling..

I hate my feelings, my wants and desires. They’re all 

so strong

So wrong.

I shouldn’t feel that way for this person. Not even close. 

Midnight cravings.. 

The urges to act

The willpower to not.

It hurts. It hurts so much just to be myself.

It hurts even more to not.

It kills me to feel the way I feel, knowing I can never.. Act on it.. Or get it out of my head.

So much guilt and I never even did anything.

Just the fact that I want to.. Keeps me up at night in tears. 

And then the good feelings.. They’re even worse. 

Because when it ends

Its shattering pain.

Heartache and confusion

The years wasted the why was it wasted why did you change?

I didn’t change..

How and why.

Do such strong emotions.. Such pitiful thoughts.. Such terrible feelings

So wrong

Immoral

Illegal if done

Just why?.. 

How can I stop it.

So tempted to die.

But that won’t fix it

What will?!

How will I know.. How can I know..

Dying won’t fix anything..

But living doesn’t help.

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free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, romance, Uncategorized

That girl

That girl behind the register

I wish I knew her name

She’s got the most amazing smile.

I wish I knew her name

The way she looks at me

Is it just curiosity? She’s seen the most honest me

T shirt, shorts, uncombed hair

But she never wears a name tag.

She’s got the most beautiful smile

I wish ..I knew her name.

Her smile

Makes my heart go a million miles

A voice only an angel could have

Paying in cash just to touch her hand

That girl behind the register

I just want to know your name..

Always going to your line

Sadly you scan too fast

Makes the time fly by..

Girl behind the register

What’s your name?

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free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, romance, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

dreaming..

I dream of romance.

Holding hands,

Just walking with each other

Smiling, laughing, grinning on eye contact

Walking past jewelry stores on purpose

Just to see if she’ll point out a ring.

Making promises 

Keeping them all

Does she want to get married or is it too soon?

Cuddling under a blanket on the couch

Watching chick flicks just because

She wants to.

Watching action movies because she likes them too

Making her tea when she has cramps

Sleeping on the couch when she’s upset

Buying her gifts at random

Putting flowers in her hair just so

She feels loved.

I was born in the wrong generation.

Girls these days 

Never show their real faces. 

Pounds

Of makeup.

Like a crayon box threw up.

Waterproof too. Hiding the truth.

I think they’re prettier without it.

But it makes them feel 

Confident. 

Their clothes so tight

Everything is on display

Clothes so tiny

You’ve seen it all before you say hi.

Sure it’s not bad to look at

If you just want to be objectified. 

You don’t have to wear layers

Or be a prude

But respect what you’re given

Don’t flaunt it for everyone. Then only trash will want you.

I dream of romantic evenings. 

The first time I see her body

Isn’t on the street dressed like a hooker

It’s in a room

Just the two of us

Happy and intimate,

Understanding and listening.

I want a woman

A real one.

Not one who is mostly plastic.

Someone else’s hair, plastic eyelashes.

Painted on faces and implanted body parts.

What happened to the image of beauty

Why can’t you be amazing the way you are?

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never find one.

A girl who’s proud of who she is.

I only want romance and happiness.

So I was born.. In the wrong generation. 

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free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Love

Ever felt like

You could be happy

Just by looking in her eyes?

Can she make you smile?

Do you make her smile?

Her name

Is like a whisper

Her smile

Breaks hearts

Her hips make you want to dance

Tripping over your own toes

Her laugh

Makes you not care you fell.

Her gentle hair

Framing her delicate face

Her dimples 

Making you grin without thought

The way her dress flows in the wind

The way her jeans crinkle at her knees

Falling for her?

Maybe..

Maybe just stumbling.

Does she feel the same?

Can you tell from her laugh? 

Can you tell from your own heartbeat?

Ba-dump

Ba-dump

Badumpbump

Was that it?

Did I land?

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