confession, depressed, free write, heartbreak, letter to, LGBTQ, love, romance, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Women and emotions

I always thought all I’d have to do was be loyal and show affection to be happy. For a time that was enough. A long time ago I met a girl in a group chat through some friends. We didn’t talk much and lost contact pretty quickly. A few months ago playing a game with my same friend she joined and took a liking to me. At first, I wasn’t interested but didn’t wanna hurt her feelings so I went along with it. Then I somehow started liking her. Eventually, I fell in love, and she said she did too. In fact, she said it first. We started dating, she knew all along I was trans since before she showed an interest in me. Everything was going great. For about two months. For the first month we were just talking and messing around then, we started dating and our one month mark was fast approaching.  I sent her a package with some things she wanted and some teas I wanted her to try and some candy she likes. Out of the three teas I wanted her to try she liked two and hated the third. So she gave them to her mom. The next day her mom noticed the teas and asked where they came from… She said her boyfriend sent them. Which was me. Her mom decided that we couldn’t date. Because for some reason even though she told me she wouldn’t tell her mom I was trans until way later in our relationship she told her mom anyway. SO, her mom being a Christian and now in my eyes an asshole also decided that her daughter was trying to be a lesbian and if she continued down this path she would send her to counseling. Because no matter what I do I will always be a girl and nothing will change that. And ..she agreed with her mom. She broke up with me on the spot, through text no less. After all these words… of she doesn’t care I’m trans.. and she loves me for who I am not my body parts.. She broke up with me because she doesn’t want to be a lesbian. I asked her, if her mom had given her the same talk but hadn’t said we had to break up would we still be together and her answer was no. The fucked up part is.. I still love her, and it is killing me. She says she still loves me and it makes no sense to me. If she loves me why did she break up with me. Why did she suddenly change her mind. Why so many things…

It’s not fair. I didn’t ask to be this way.  I don’t want to be this way. I just wanna be loved like everyone else. I have so much love to give. Everything was going great.. but now its all gone to shit. And she acts like nothing happened. She keeps talking to me like normal, and asking if I’m okay. She keeps telling me she loves me and I know I still love her. Maybe I’m just more broken than I ever thought I would be before. She keeps wanting me to say it back. Its been three days. The first day I cried a lot and considered throwing things, the only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t wanna break the few things I do own. I considered killing myself but it wouldn’t solve anything. In the midst of my mind that was just a hurricane of “its not fair and I didt ask to be this way and I’m not a girl” I almost went to the kitchen to cut my breasts off. But thankfully that seemed like a terrible idea and I stopped myself. The second day I slept in and then got high all day. Any time I even felt myself sobering up I would get high again because feeling hurt too much. While I was high I processed my thoughts without tears because I had this calmness that made everything less emotional and more clear. Today I woke up to her. Apparently she wanted me to keep her company. Shes still here. watching me type, but she can’t see what I’m typing. Testing my limits which at this point I dont even know what they are. Typing this.. actually made me feel better.

Because obviously my emotions outward appearance and entire life dont mean shit to anyone but me.

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dinner, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, love, romance, Uncategorized

I did it

It took me months. And I almost had a panic attack. And I almost tripped over air while standing still and my heart was beating so hard it felt like if I talked too much it would fly out my throat. But I did it. For the first time in my life, I asked a girl on a date. I had no idea how she’d react. And I was terrified of being rejected. Technically she didn’t say yes but she didn’t say no either. I asked her to dinner. And she laughed that beautiful laugh. But she said she’d think about it and let me know. My heart kept going a million miles a minute but this time it was with happiness. I didn’t chicken out. I grew a (theoretical) pair and asked her on a date after over two months of wanting to. I’m proud of myself. Even if I do eventually get rejected I can no longer say I didn’t try. 

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free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, romance, Uncategorized

That girl

That girl behind the register

I wish I knew her name

She’s got the most amazing smile.

I wish I knew her name

The way she looks at me

Is it just curiosity? She’s seen the most honest me

T shirt, shorts, uncombed hair

But she never wears a name tag.

She’s got the most beautiful smile

I wish ..I knew her name.

Her smile

Makes my heart go a million miles

A voice only an angel could have

Paying in cash just to touch her hand

That girl behind the register

I just want to know your name..

Always going to your line

Sadly you scan too fast

Makes the time fly by..

Girl behind the register

What’s your name?

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free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, romance, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

dreaming..

I dream of romance.

Holding hands,

Just walking with each other

Smiling, laughing, grinning on eye contact

Walking past jewelry stores on purpose

Just to see if she’ll point out a ring.

Making promises 

Keeping them all

Does she want to get married or is it too soon?

Cuddling under a blanket on the couch

Watching chick flicks just because

She wants to.

Watching action movies because she likes them too

Making her tea when she has cramps

Sleeping on the couch when she’s upset

Buying her gifts at random

Putting flowers in her hair just so

She feels loved.

I was born in the wrong generation.

Girls these days 

Never show their real faces. 

Pounds

Of makeup.

Like a crayon box threw up.

Waterproof too. Hiding the truth.

I think they’re prettier without it.

But it makes them feel 

Confident. 

Their clothes so tight

Everything is on display

Clothes so tiny

You’ve seen it all before you say hi.

Sure it’s not bad to look at

If you just want to be objectified. 

You don’t have to wear layers

Or be a prude

But respect what you’re given

Don’t flaunt it for everyone. Then only trash will want you.

I dream of romantic evenings. 

The first time I see her body

Isn’t on the street dressed like a hooker

It’s in a room

Just the two of us

Happy and intimate,

Understanding and listening.

I want a woman

A real one.

Not one who is mostly plastic.

Someone else’s hair, plastic eyelashes.

Painted on faces and implanted body parts.

What happened to the image of beauty

Why can’t you be amazing the way you are?

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never find one.

A girl who’s proud of who she is.

I only want romance and happiness.

So I was born.. In the wrong generation. 

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