I need to work on myself. I thought I was okay and I thought I was happy. I was neither. I can’t become better overnight but I can work towards being a better me over time. I guess the kick in the ass I needed to get my shit together was losing what and who is most important to me. I probably get attached too easily. Things happen that I never expected to and probably given the choice wouldn’t have wanted to happen. But I can’t control my fate or my future and what happens has a reason. I was given an ultimatum of sorts. Work on yourself, be okay and come back to me or don’t and lose what he have forever. If there’s one thing I never wanted to do, it was hurt my partner. I didn’t know, that by being hurt myself I was hurting them too. When they told me that I almost cried right then and there. I felt like a failure and the scum of the earth. I just wanted to make them happy. I felt with their happiness I would be doing it. Whatever ‘it’ was. Now I know better. I was told either I’m standing tall and lifting you up or you’re dragging me down, and right now I’m not in a position to lift anyone up. Neither am I. So I have to get there. I have to reach the point I can stand on equal footing with them, move forward with them, and grow with them. I know I’m young, dumb, immature and naive but my feelings are genuine. Because of this I have to better myself. Not just for them, not because they told me to, not because they asked or wanted me to; but because I need to for myself. I was being sucked under emotional quicksand and couldn’t even tell. I shouldn’t be with anyone the way I am now. I’m not good for anyone the way I am now. Somehow I managed to find someone, this amazing person who deserves the best the world has to offer. But they want me, and every part of me spiritually and physically wants them too. I’m not the best the world has to offer. I’m nowhere close to it. But if I work hard, every day getting a little closer one day I will at least be good enough. And if I keep at it I will be better. I may never be best, but I will never reach the worst again. I will never hit rock bottom again. I may never hit cloud 9 again, because only the ignorant truly can. My ignorance is gone, my bliss with it. But I can and I will work towards my happiness. Through all the struggles and all the difficulty that is bound to come across my path I know now, that dealing with my emotions, accepting them and actually feeling them isn’t such a bad thing. It’s how to be okay. It will take time and probably take tears but its worth it. I can’t keep going on like this. I was reaching the point where I was daily numb with amounts of happiness brought in by my partner. Nobody should live like that. Being happy only because of someone else. I should be able to be happy by myself because I love myself. Only then, can I be good enough to be with them. They love me for me and I love them for them, but I don’t love myself and that’s not okay. Once I love myself I will ask them to take me back. Back to the way we were or could be. The way we are right now is probably for the best. But the way we can be only has me standing in the way. I have to step out of my way. Put my shadow behind me instead of letting it lead. Then I’ll have progressed.
I have to tell you what happened. So it can’t happen again.
It was dark. I was alone, at home. But the door just kept opening and closing, not all the way. Just swinging. I kept telling myself it was just the wind. The window was open the wind moved the door. I knew it wasn’t the wind. It was too mocking. Too.. Many warning flags. I dont know what it was. But I knew I had to keep moving. I didn’t even take anything. Just what I already had in my pockets, what I always, had in my pockets. A wallet, a pocket knife, and my phone. I grabbed my keys and left. I unlocked my bike and rode off. No place in mind, an aimless trek. I could feel it watching me. As if it’s eyes were staring at the back of my head, at the place my hairline meets my neck. The place my skull meets my spine.
It doesn’t want me to talk to you about this, or leave any record-
I have to be fast.
I’ll be back… If it doesn’t get me first.