I need to work on myself. I thought I was okay and I thought I was happy. I was neither. I can’t become better overnight but I can work towards being a better me over time. I guess the kick in the ass I needed to get my shit together was losing what and who is most important to me. I probably get attached too easily. Things happen that I never expected to and probably given the choice wouldn’t have wanted to happen. But I can’t control my fate or my future and what happens has a reason. I was given an ultimatum of sorts. Work on yourself, be okay and come back to me or don’t and lose what he have forever. If there’s one thing I never wanted to do, it was hurt my partner. I didn’t know, that by being hurt myself I was hurting them too. When they told me that I almost cried right then and there. I felt like a failure and the scum of the earth. I just wanted to make them happy. I felt with their happiness I would be doing it. Whatever ‘it’ was. Now I know better. I was told either I’m standing tall and lifting you up or you’re dragging me down, and right now I’m not in a position to lift anyone up. Neither am I. So I have to get there. I have to reach the point I can stand on equal footing with them, move forward with them, and grow with them. I know I’m young, dumb, immature and naive but my feelings are genuine. Because of this I have to better myself. Not just for them, not because they told me to, not because they asked or wanted me to; but because I need to for myself. I was being sucked under emotional quicksand and couldn’t even tell. I shouldn’t be with anyone the way I am now. I’m not good for anyone the way I am now. Somehow I managed to find someone, this amazing person who deserves the best the world has to offer. But they want me, and every part of me spiritually and physically wants them too. I’m not the best the world has to offer. I’m nowhere close to it. But if I work hard, every day getting a little closer one day I will at least be good enough. And if I keep at it I will be better. I may never be best, but I will never reach the worst again. I will never hit rock bottom again. I may never hit cloud 9 again, because only the ignorant truly can. My ignorance is gone, my bliss with it. But I can and I will work towards my happiness. Through all the struggles and all the difficulty that is bound to come across my path I know now, that dealing with my emotions, accepting them and actually feeling them isn’t such a bad thing. It’s how to be okay. It will take time and probably take tears but its worth it. I can’t keep going on like this. I was reaching the point where I was daily numb with amounts of happiness brought in by my partner. Nobody should live like that. Being happy only because of someone else. I should be able to be happy by myself because I love myself. Only then, can I be good enough to be with them. They love me for me and I love them for them, but I don’t love myself and that’s not okay. Once I love myself I will ask them to take me back. Back to the way we were or could be. The way we are right now is probably for the best. But the way we can be only has me standing in the way. I have to step out of my way. Put my shadow behind me instead of letting it lead. Then I’ll have progressed.
I want to think I’ve grown as a person. That my mind has gotten stronger and that I can handle my emotions. I used to block a lot of things out. My mind would keep me from remembering things.. I guess for my own sanity. Now I see why. Once I found out my mind blocks out memories it stopped blocking out new ones. Things I don’t like I have to deal with. Things that hurt me and I don’t properly process give me nightmares. Repeatedly waking me up throughout the night trying to say you wanted me to stop protecting you now cope. I can’t cope. Feelings hurt. Accidental feelings somehow hurt worse.
If you give someone the power to hurt you, whether on purpose or by accident they will one day shatter you.
I haven’t written anything on here in a while. Since my last post I’ve gotten myself right back to where I didn’t want to be. I wasn’t trying to find someone. After the last attempt at a relationship with what might’ve been the biggest mistake of my life dating her, I was content with just being single. I came to the conclusion relationships lead to nothing but heartbreak. Other people can’t be trusted and everything I’ve ever been told was a lie.
Okay so thats being dramatic but I was honestly planning on just being single for the next ….indeterminate amount of time. Then I re-met someone I’d met before. Got their phone number and was gonna attempt to be friends. Shit happens. Friendship happened, but now feelings happened; on both ends. I fucked up entirely letting myself slip and catch feelings. And as usual I feel strongly. And now I’m moving with the promise of “I’ll date you when you come back” and I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to stay here and spend my time with them, making them smile and feeling the type of happy they make me feel. I don’t know that they’re going to still like me a year from now. I don’t know that I’m going to still like them a year from now.
They say I should get over them and just find myself a nice man/woman/partner. If it was just so simple I would’ve done it. I don’t want to go through that hurt again. Or accidentally put someone else through it. I feel like when I leave they might get hurt. But I’ll do my best to come back, save up and get a car or just a straight up tiny house or RV. It’s not in my ideal price range but everything I know and love and want to see when I wake up is here. And now.. It’ll all just be here still. While I’m somewhere else hopelessly pining.
Also, my bike got stolen today so thats great.
Its not great at all. I’m actually really upset. I worked my ass off to afford that bike then worked even harder to get it home because nobody wanted me to get a bike to begin with. Talking about thats why we have cars. I don’t have a car and when I want a ride somewhere its either let me take my sweet ass time and take you in 4 hours or just flat out no. So I got a bike to take myself places. Now its gone.
Apparently kissing deepens romantic bonds, if that is truly the case I will be all the more hurt later on. Especially if after this year of me being gone I’m actually still into them.. but they got over me. I wonder if this is how military families are. Spouse has gone off to war.. So you wait patiently for them to come back? I doubt I’ll be waited for. I’m wanted now.. But I’m probably easily forgotten. Not going off to war.. Just off to not be homeless. Attempt to man money to come back soon. All I want to do.. Is not leave in the first place. But whatever. I guess thats life or some shit the agnsty teenager who’s given up entirely would say. I’ve already made it my mission to spend as much time as I have left as possible with them. But I don’t know how much that time is anymore. It was two months.. Now its more like 4 days..
I love you. I don’t know why. And I wish I didn’t. I fucking hate you and the way you make me feel. I fucking love everything about you. I hate how you can get to me. I hate how when I check on you, and show concern and you’re upset you snap on me. If I’m being nice why are you being a bitch. Just because you’re upset does not mean you have to make everyone else upset too. Do you know how fucking hard it is to not snap on your bullshit. I wanna be a nice person. Out of friendship I don’t snap back on you even though you’re in the wrong. Even though you lied. Even though we still talk. Even though I hate you and your bullshit reasons. Even though I love you because my heart, my stupid fucking heart won’t let go of you. Thank you, for showing me I’m likable. Fuck you for throwing me away with your bullshit excuse. Thank you, for dumping me so I can find someone I deserve. Someone I can make happy and who will make me happy. I am enough. I am a man and fuck you for thinking otherwise. Fuck you for saying otherwise. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I hate you. You hurt me, for no reason then had the gall to say you were hurting too. You don’t get to hurt. YOU decided to end it. Fuck you and your feelings. I think I don’t love you. But watch. The second you say anything to me, or flash that fucking smile its gonna start all over. I know damn well I’m gonna love you again. And I’m gonna hate you again all over every time again.
I’m a fucking ball of anger and hurt and mistrust. Yeah my life was going shitty but at least I could still put my faith in people. Now.. I can’t. After being told something and repeatedly told that same thing until I actually believed it. Then told the exact opposite and crushed all at once. It hurts. It pisses me off. It took away my trust in… All. I hate how religions can make everything go to well, go to hell. I hate how society makes even the simplest of things into a giant deal for no reason. Everyone wants to be happy, but nobody can be because everyone is acting against their happiness and everyone elses. It makes no sense and there’s no point to it. There’s no point to anything.
I always thought all I’d have to do was be loyal and show affection to be happy. For a time that was enough. A long time ago I met a girl in a group chat through some friends. We didn’t talk much and lost contact pretty quickly. A few months ago playing a game with my same friend she joined and took a liking to me. At first, I wasn’t interested but didn’t wanna hurt her feelings so I went along with it. Then I somehow started liking her. Eventually, I fell in love, and she said she did too. In fact, she said it first. We started dating, she knew all along I was trans since before she showed an interest in me. Everything was going great. For about two months. For the first month we were just talking and messing around then, we started dating and our one month mark was fast approaching. I sent her a package with some things she wanted and some teas I wanted her to try and some candy she likes. Out of the three teas I wanted her to try she liked two and hated the third. So she gave them to her mom. The next day her mom noticed the teas and asked where they came from… She said her boyfriend sent them. Which was me. Her mom decided that we couldn’t date. Because for some reason even though she told me she wouldn’t tell her mom I was trans until way later in our relationship she told her mom anyway. SO, her mom being a Christian and now in my eyes an asshole also decided that her daughter was trying to be a lesbian and if she continued down this path she would send her to counseling. Because no matter what I do I will always be a girl and nothing will change that. And ..she agreed with her mom. She broke up with me on the spot, through text no less. After all these words… of she doesn’t care I’m trans.. and she loves me for who I am not my body parts.. She broke up with me because she doesn’t want to be a lesbian. I asked her, if her mom had given her the same talk but hadn’t said we had to break up would we still be together and her answer was no. The fucked up part is.. I still love her, and it is killing me. She says she still loves me and it makes no sense to me. If she loves me why did she break up with me. Why did she suddenly change her mind. Why so many things…
It’s not fair. I didn’t ask to be this way. I don’t want to be this way. I just wanna be loved like everyone else. I have so much love to give. Everything was going great.. but now its all gone to shit. And she acts like nothing happened. She keeps talking to me like normal, and asking if I’m okay. She keeps telling me she loves me and I know I still love her. Maybe I’m just more broken than I ever thought I would be before. She keeps wanting me to say it back. Its been three days. The first day I cried a lot and considered throwing things, the only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t wanna break the few things I do own. I considered killing myself but it wouldn’t solve anything. In the midst of my mind that was just a hurricane of “its not fair and I didt ask to be this way and I’m not a girl” I almost went to the kitchen to cut my breasts off. But thankfully that seemed like a terrible idea and I stopped myself. The second day I slept in and then got high all day. Any time I even felt myself sobering up I would get high again because feeling hurt too much. While I was high I processed my thoughts without tears because I had this calmness that made everything less emotional and more clear. Today I woke up to her. Apparently she wanted me to keep her company. Shes still here. watching me type, but she can’t see what I’m typing. Testing my limits which at this point I dont even know what they are. Typing this.. actually made me feel better.
Because obviously my emotions outward appearance and entire life dont mean shit to anyone but me.
I’ve discovered, if you don’t address your problems you eventually get a psychotic break. And since I never do, I guess I’m just waiting for mine. Every day seems worse than the one before. Every day something makes me worse. Sometimes I just sit alone and stare into space feeling like my hearts gonna stop. And it just might. I don’t know how many days or minutes or hours or years I have left. Maybe seconds. If I died right now, I would never be at rest. That’s all I really do know.