confession, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, Uncategorized

Maturity

I did something stupid and immature today (yesterday now). I sent a stupid message in an important chat. I’m not even sure why I sent it. But afterwards I spent a period of time reflecting on my actions today and well over time in general. I’ve come to the conclusion that in the past 7 years I basically haven’t matured at all. I’ve had my moments but I’m a complete wreck. It’s not a good feeling to realize you’re about as mature as the average 12 year old when you’re almost 20. How can I pinpoint the age of 12? Because I spent the majority of the last two days with my 12 year old cousin and sadly it was the best time I’ve had in weeks. I don’t know if maturity is gained on purpose or through experience or you just act differently over time but I haven’t reached where I need to be. But I’m attempting. So I apologized to the person I sent the immature message to. In my eyes, a mature person isn’t afraid to admit when they were wrong and apologize for it, and I was wrong so I did. Although I’ve been working towards bettering myself I’ve realized I’ve only been working on my outward appearance, muscles, acne etc. But the me on the inside needs work too. Sure I’m likable (I think) but that can only go so far. I need to be reliable, trustworthy and also mature. I don’t know why it took me this long to get to this point mentally but I do know I need to change. 
I’ve decided I’m not going to delete any posts I make on here ever. They will be the record of my growth and I can go back and see how far I’ve come, or how far I need to go. All I really want is to end up happy. Not rich, not poor, not a huge family with 8 kids and 4 spouses that are mainly divorced. I want one marriage and a happy life. But I can’t get to that point if I can’t even get to the mental point of a normal adult.

Advertisements
Standard
free write, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, short story, Uncategorized

Still in the hurricane shelter

I’ve slept here three nights now. That’s the simplest way of counting. Floor is still hard, but now the outlets don’t work. Both my cats are pissed off and left me with at least 20 new scratches today alone. I had to scruff Sage because he started verbally threatening me because he didn’t want to scratch me. My mom is pissing me off more by the second. These scratches burn. The wifi went down and I can’t read anymore. The bathrooms are out of toilet paper. My pillow has less than half the pretzels left in it. MREs should not have mints. Mints can’t hold up to shit. They just end up melted all over everything making everything stick to itself and you. The wall is leaking. Interesting thing for a shelter to have happen. The guy on the inflatable bed over there is a drug addict or just can’t cope with life. When he first came in he had this big tumbler of lean. And when he woke up just now I saw a cannabis cartridge and vape battery. He hasn’t even been here a full two days and I don’t think he’s been sober for any of it. I don’t wanna be sober for any of it either though so I’m not judging him. I feel so lethargic. I should probably wash these cuts out..

Standard
free write, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, Uncategorized

Hurricane Irma

It’s day.. 1.5? Of being in the hurricane shelter. I wonder if we’ll have a house to go back to. I live in Miami and when it even rains a little bit, like those 2 minute Miami weather rain showers the roof leaks. I wouldn’t be surprised if we got back to no roof at all. In fact that’s what we’re expecting, just not hoping for. Some people are just assholes here. Other people are really nice. This couple with two daughters gave us some chairs. 

A few minutes ago they said they’re closing the doors because of high winds. I guess Irma is getting closer. After two nights, I can honestly say Miami is full of insomniacs. Like damn half these people didn’t go to sleep until 4am and by 7:30 EVERYONE was already awake. But the first night only half of everyone went to sleep at all, and so during the day they were asleep. The floor is really hard. Blankets don’t do shit. Surprisingly a pretzel container makes a great pillow. Folded clothes and stuffed sharks not so much. I forgot to bring a book so I’ve been repeatedly charging and killing my iPod to read. My brother worked through my last nerve before we even walked in the door. And he’s just worked harder since then. Last night they passed out cookies and cake. The first night they gave us cold chicken rice and carrots, but yesterday throughout the day they gave us MREs. They’re cool because they heat themselves up. However the sad part is out of everything in the package I liked the plain crackers the most.

Keep your pets away from gasoline, as much as possible. It will kill them. We found that out the hard and scary way. My grandma sent my mom to get some gas and the gas bottles didn’t have caps. So my mom brought them back and some gas spilled on some floor mats they’re back at the house so I don’t know why she wasted the money. Then when we were driving to the shelter our two cats got on to the floor mats and got gas on them. But we didn’t know gas was bad, or that they got it on them so we got to the shelter and got sent away after being told they might die take them to a hospital. Thankfully they’re both perfectly fine now. But just be careful.

Standard
depressed, LGBTQ, short story, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Shirts

So I’ve started working out again. I forgot how much that makes even not moving hurt. But this time I’m serious about working out. My job is really all about speed so my legs are gonna be great no matter what. But I can’t just have Captain America legs and pre-spider Peter Parker upper body. So I’ve gotta balance myself out or something. Also exercise seems to I guess keep my chemicals in check and I’m slightly happier on days I actually have. 

So I decided to take some photos so I could compare later on or make a slideshow type thing so I could actually see if I’m making any type of improvements to my body or if it’s all in my head. But then after editing the pictures so they didn’t have any type of chest showing I realized I look horribly unattractive with my shirt off. 

So I’ve decided that every day I’m gonna set three 20 minute timers 

20 minutes of push ups

20 minutes of sit ups

20 minutes of the horse stance

I know that I’m not going to be able to last doing any of those things for 20 minutes non stop right away. But those are my goals. If I work hard every day eventually I’ll be able to do each one for 20 minutes every day. Maybe that’ll be the day I’ll be comfortable enough to look in the mirror with my shirt off and be like yes, I did that. With my hard work I gave myself a body I could be proud of. 

Because as Tang Tian says, “Sweat doesn’t lie.” 

So I will sweat, and I will persistently perspire until I reach the point where I have enough confidence to.. Do stuff. 

I know this might be my most straightforward post so far so let me get my usual ramble in. It’s really hard to look someone in the eye when you’re constantly thinking that they’re thinking damn that persons ugly while they look at you. Because most of the time that’s what I think to my reflection. Except on those few good days where I’m like maybe I’m not so bad? 

I’m really sore. But I’m glad I’m sore, because that means I’m trying. 

Standard
Deadbeat Dad, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Foolish

What the fuck was I thinking. Bury me? My family can’t even afford a single pair of name brand shoes. Where the hell is the money for my funeral coming from. I’ll probably just end up rotting in a morgue. Naked on a cold metal slab in a drawer. Why do I even exist? What did I do in my past life that was so fucking bad I had to come to this one. A mother who would rather treat me like shit than acknowledge that I’m human too, a brother who’s just a fucking idiot. A father who is basically a sperm doner that sends memes.  Sigh 

Maybe this life won’t be a waste. Maybe just maybe it’ll get better. I’ve tried everything else. I guess I’ll attempt to be an optimist now. I’ll probably fail miserably- oh look I already am. Fuck whatever. I’m going to sleep.

Standard
confession, depressed, free write, Longwinded nothingness, love, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

I think too much.

I’m always thinking about what the looks on other people’s faces could mean. When they look at me what do they see. When they make that expression what are they feeling. Half the time I don’t even care. 

How many nights, am I going to sit there for hours feeling that burning in the middle of my chest from wanting to cry. And then hold back tears because I refuse to give them the satisfaction of falling? How many times am I going to have to want to die before I man up and just kill myself. Or is it better not to..

I got a job. Around the time I stopped posting. I use an app for the job and I guess I let it take over my life. Writing.. Used to make me feel better. Almost everything used to make me feel better. But now it’s like I’m floating in a world of grey lava. If that makes sense. I’m never happy, always want to cry and the only time I’m at any kind of peace is when im too busy to have a chance to think. I think that’s the main reason I like my job. On a good day, I don’t have a chance to think. On a bad day though, that’s all I can do. 

My coworkers are mostly nice though. But sometimes they talk shit about our boss. I wish they didn’t. She’s a really nice person. I bet if she was a bitch they’d really have something to talk about, but some people just don’t see other people as people too. 

Just because someone is in charge of you doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings too. I learned this at a really young age.. When I made my mom cry because I cared more about my gameboy than her (I still have that gameboy).

My job is I shop for lazy people, and lately I’ve been going through a lot of shit. Mentally and apparently physically if the new pains I was feeling today are any indication. I probably have a cracked rib. 

First of all, let me put it out there that I REALLY like my boss. As a person as well as otherwise. She’s sweet, kind hearted, beautiful strong and as I found out today- also sensitive. She was sad today after she found- well yesterday now after she found out that some of my coworkers were talking shit about her. It hurt me seeing her sad and there was nothing I could do about it. 

I don’t know when I started caring again. But apparently I care about her. 

All I could do was try to make her laugh but I don’t think I was really of any help to her mental state. 

I find myself staring off into space more and more now. Thinking longer and more deeply each time. I’m not okay. My life is not okay, it’s in shambles. All along I’ve been living with the high possibility of becoming homeless. Now thats turned into an IMMINENT homelessness. Who would I even tell? What could anyone even do. Our finances were even worse off than I thought before. Even with me working almost every day skipping breaks so I can make every penny, somehow we’re still in the red. 

All I want is to be happy and healthy. I dont want to be a millionaire. I don’t want a big fancy house. I don’t want much of anything really. All those trips to the hospital and I’m still broken. All these meltdowns and im still broken. Today at work I felt my heart try to stop. The sad part is, I was more curious about what would happen if I just fell over dead than I was scared of dying. 

I don’t have a will so.. In case anyone reads this that knows me, and I randomly drop dead, Bury me in my white camo shorts, black button up and batman hat. Maybe in my lifetime nothing will go the way I want it to. But maybe after I die something could go my way for once? 

Sometimes I fall too hard, and too fast for even myself to comprehend. I hope I’m not in love with her. I don’t think I could handle getting my heart broken right now. 

Standard