depressed, free write, letter to, Uncategorized

It’s not hard

I’m disappointed. How long does it take to decide yes or no to dinner? It’s just dinner. Everybody eats food. It’s been two days and she still doesn’t know. If you have to think about it that hard then just forget it. It’s not a difficult question, it’s not like I said can I fuck you without a condom. That’s also a yes or no question. I feel like you should know whether or not you’ll.. I don’t even know. But it shouldn’t take this long to get an answer. At first I was all super excited because I did it, I asked her out and I really like her. But I guess the euphoria wore off and common sense kicked in and I’m just like.. What’s so hard about giving me an answer.. ? Is it because I’m trans? Or younger than you? Or is it legitimately you can’t decide? Just be straight with me don’t drag it out. I can take it whatever the answer is. It’s the waiting that kills.

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dinner, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, love, romance, Uncategorized

I did it

It took me months. And I almost had a panic attack. And I almost tripped over air while standing still and my heart was beating so hard it felt like if I talked too much it would fly out my throat. But I did it. For the first time in my life, I asked a girl on a date. I had no idea how she’d react. And I was terrified of being rejected. Technically she didn’t say yes but she didn’t say no either. I asked her to dinner. And she laughed that beautiful laugh. But she said she’d think about it and let me know. My heart kept going a million miles a minute but this time it was with happiness. I didn’t chicken out. I grew a (theoretical) pair and asked her on a date after over two months of wanting to. I’m proud of myself. Even if I do eventually get rejected I can no longer say I didn’t try. 

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free write, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Too much

All my life I’ve been pretty asexual. I have my moments of otherwise but they’re pretty rare. Today is one of those days. I’m trying to work and then my boss comes up being all super attractive and talking to me and Bam. Raging hormones. Damn those jeans. Damn those big hips. Damn that full ass. Damn her for being so nice. Damn me for being a teenager that doesn’t know how to control his sex drive because 99% of the time I don’t have one. And damn those boobs. Why do they have to look so soft. 😣 Im struggling.

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confession, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, Uncategorized

Maturity

I did something stupid and immature today (yesterday now). I sent a stupid message in an important chat. I’m not even sure why I sent it. But afterwards I spent a period of time reflecting on my actions today and well over time in general. I’ve come to the conclusion that in the past 7 years I basically haven’t matured at all. I’ve had my moments but I’m a complete wreck. It’s not a good feeling to realize you’re about as mature as the average 12 year old when you’re almost 20. How can I pinpoint the age of 12? Because I spent the majority of the last two days with my 12 year old cousin and sadly it was the best time I’ve had in weeks. I don’t know if maturity is gained on purpose or through experience or you just act differently over time but I haven’t reached where I need to be. But I’m attempting. So I apologized to the person I sent the immature message to. In my eyes, a mature person isn’t afraid to admit when they were wrong and apologize for it, and I was wrong so I did. Although I’ve been working towards bettering myself I’ve realized I’ve only been working on my outward appearance, muscles, acne etc. But the me on the inside needs work too. Sure I’m likable (I think) but that can only go so far. I need to be reliable, trustworthy and also mature. I don’t know why it took me this long to get to this point mentally but I do know I need to change. 
I’ve decided I’m not going to delete any posts I make on here ever. They will be the record of my growth and I can go back and see how far I’ve come, or how far I need to go. All I really want is to end up happy. Not rich, not poor, not a huge family with 8 kids and 4 spouses that are mainly divorced. I want one marriage and a happy life. But I can’t get to that point if I can’t even get to the mental point of a normal adult.

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free write, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, short story, Uncategorized

Still in the hurricane shelter

I’ve slept here three nights now. That’s the simplest way of counting. Floor is still hard, but now the outlets don’t work. Both my cats are pissed off and left me with at least 20 new scratches today alone. I had to scruff Sage because he started verbally threatening me because he didn’t want to scratch me. My mom is pissing me off more by the second. These scratches burn. The wifi went down and I can’t read anymore. The bathrooms are out of toilet paper. My pillow has less than half the pretzels left in it. MREs should not have mints. Mints can’t hold up to shit. They just end up melted all over everything making everything stick to itself and you. The wall is leaking. Interesting thing for a shelter to have happen. The guy on the inflatable bed over there is a drug addict or just can’t cope with life. When he first came in he had this big tumbler of lean. And when he woke up just now I saw a cannabis cartridge and vape battery. He hasn’t even been here a full two days and I don’t think he’s been sober for any of it. I don’t wanna be sober for any of it either though so I’m not judging him. I feel so lethargic. I should probably wash these cuts out..

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free write, letter to, Longwinded nothingness, Uncategorized

Hurricane Irma

It’s day.. 1.5? Of being in the hurricane shelter. I wonder if we’ll have a house to go back to. I live in Miami and when it even rains a little bit, like those 2 minute Miami weather rain showers the roof leaks. I wouldn’t be surprised if we got back to no roof at all. In fact that’s what we’re expecting, just not hoping for. Some people are just assholes here. Other people are really nice. This couple with two daughters gave us some chairs. 

A few minutes ago they said they’re closing the doors because of high winds. I guess Irma is getting closer. After two nights, I can honestly say Miami is full of insomniacs. Like damn half these people didn’t go to sleep until 4am and by 7:30 EVERYONE was already awake. But the first night only half of everyone went to sleep at all, and so during the day they were asleep. The floor is really hard. Blankets don’t do shit. Surprisingly a pretzel container makes a great pillow. Folded clothes and stuffed sharks not so much. I forgot to bring a book so I’ve been repeatedly charging and killing my iPod to read. My brother worked through my last nerve before we even walked in the door. And he’s just worked harder since then. Last night they passed out cookies and cake. The first night they gave us cold chicken rice and carrots, but yesterday throughout the day they gave us MREs. They’re cool because they heat themselves up. However the sad part is out of everything in the package I liked the plain crackers the most.

Keep your pets away from gasoline, as much as possible. It will kill them. We found that out the hard and scary way. My grandma sent my mom to get some gas and the gas bottles didn’t have caps. So my mom brought them back and some gas spilled on some floor mats they’re back at the house so I don’t know why she wasted the money. Then when we were driving to the shelter our two cats got on to the floor mats and got gas on them. But we didn’t know gas was bad, or that they got it on them so we got to the shelter and got sent away after being told they might die take them to a hospital. Thankfully they’re both perfectly fine now. But just be careful.

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