I need to work on myself. I thought I was okay and I thought I was happy. I was neither. I can’t become better overnight but I can work towards being a better me over time. I guess the kick in the ass I needed to get my shit together was losing what and who is most important to me. I probably get attached too easily. Things happen that I never expected to and probably given the choice wouldn’t have wanted to happen. But I can’t control my fate or my future and what happens has a reason. I was given an ultimatum of sorts. Work on yourself, be okay and come back to me or don’t and lose what he have forever. If there’s one thing I never wanted to do, it was hurt my partner. I didn’t know, that by being hurt myself I was hurting them too. When they told me that I almost cried right then and there. I felt like a failure and the scum of the earth. I just wanted to make them happy. I felt with their happiness I would be doing it. Whatever ‘it’ was. Now I know better. I was told either I’m standing tall and lifting you up or you’re dragging me down, and right now I’m not in a position to lift anyone up. Neither am I. So I have to get there. I have to reach the point I can stand on equal footing with them, move forward with them, and grow with them. I know I’m young, dumb, immature and naive but my feelings are genuine. Because of this I have to better myself. Not just for them, not because they told me to, not because they asked or wanted me to; but because I need to for myself. I was being sucked under emotional quicksand and couldn’t even tell. I shouldn’t be with anyone the way I am now. I’m not good for anyone the way I am now. Somehow I managed to find someone, this amazing person who deserves the best the world has to offer. But they want me, and every part of me spiritually and physically wants them too. I’m not the best the world has to offer. I’m nowhere close to it. But if I work hard, every day getting a little closer one day I will at least be good enough. And if I keep at it I will be better. I may never be best, but I will never reach the worst again. I will never hit rock bottom again. I may never hit cloud 9 again, because only the ignorant truly can. My ignorance is gone, my bliss with it. But I can and I will work towards my happiness. Through all the struggles and all the difficulty that is bound to come across my path I know now, that dealing with my emotions, accepting them and actually feeling them isn’t such a bad thing. It’s how to be okay. It will take time and probably take tears but its worth it. I can’t keep going on like this. I was reaching the point where I was daily numb with amounts of happiness brought in by my partner. Nobody should live like that. Being happy only because of someone else. I should be able to be happy by myself because I love myself. Only then, can I be good enough to be with them. They love me for me and I love them for them, but I don’t love myself and that’s not okay. Once I love myself I will ask them to take me back. Back to the way we were or could be. The way we are right now is probably for the best. But the way we can be only has me standing in the way. I have to step out of my way. Put my shadow behind me instead of letting it lead. Then I’ll have progressed.
I want to think I’ve grown as a person. That my mind has gotten stronger and that I can handle my emotions. I used to block a lot of things out. My mind would keep me from remembering things.. I guess for my own sanity. Now I see why. Once I found out my mind blocks out memories it stopped blocking out new ones. Things I don’t like I have to deal with. Things that hurt me and I don’t properly process give me nightmares. Repeatedly waking me up throughout the night trying to say you wanted me to stop protecting you now cope. I can’t cope. Feelings hurt. Accidental feelings somehow hurt worse.
If you give someone the power to hurt you, whether on purpose or by accident they will one day shatter you.
I haven’t written anything on here in a while. Since my last post I’ve gotten myself right back to where I didn’t want to be. I wasn’t trying to find someone. After the last attempt at a relationship with what might’ve been the biggest mistake of my life dating her, I was content with just being single. I came to the conclusion relationships lead to nothing but heartbreak. Other people can’t be trusted and everything I’ve ever been told was a lie.
Okay so thats being dramatic but I was honestly planning on just being single for the next ….indeterminate amount of time. Then I re-met someone I’d met before. Got their phone number and was gonna attempt to be friends. Shit happens. Friendship happened, but now feelings happened; on both ends. I fucked up entirely letting myself slip and catch feelings. And as usual I feel strongly. And now I’m moving with the promise of “I’ll date you when you come back” and I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to stay here and spend my time with them, making them smile and feeling the type of happy they make me feel. I don’t know that they’re going to still like me a year from now. I don’t know that I’m going to still like them a year from now.
They say I should get over them and just find myself a nice man/woman/partner. If it was just so simple I would’ve done it. I don’t want to go through that hurt again. Or accidentally put someone else through it. I feel like when I leave they might get hurt. But I’ll do my best to come back, save up and get a car or just a straight up tiny house or RV. It’s not in my ideal price range but everything I know and love and want to see when I wake up is here. And now.. It’ll all just be here still. While I’m somewhere else hopelessly pining.
Also, my bike got stolen today so thats great.
Its not great at all. I’m actually really upset. I worked my ass off to afford that bike then worked even harder to get it home because nobody wanted me to get a bike to begin with. Talking about thats why we have cars. I don’t have a car and when I want a ride somewhere its either let me take my sweet ass time and take you in 4 hours or just flat out no. So I got a bike to take myself places. Now its gone.
Apparently kissing deepens romantic bonds, if that is truly the case I will be all the more hurt later on. Especially if after this year of me being gone I’m actually still into them.. but they got over me. I wonder if this is how military families are. Spouse has gone off to war.. So you wait patiently for them to come back? I doubt I’ll be waited for. I’m wanted now.. But I’m probably easily forgotten. Not going off to war.. Just off to not be homeless. Attempt to man money to come back soon. All I want to do.. Is not leave in the first place. But whatever. I guess thats life or some shit the agnsty teenager who’s given up entirely would say. I’ve already made it my mission to spend as much time as I have left as possible with them. But I don’t know how much that time is anymore. It was two months.. Now its more like 4 days..
I love you. I don’t know why. And I wish I didn’t. I fucking hate you and the way you make me feel. I fucking love everything about you. I hate how you can get to me. I hate how when I check on you, and show concern and you’re upset you snap on me. If I’m being nice why are you being a bitch. Just because you’re upset does not mean you have to make everyone else upset too. Do you know how fucking hard it is to not snap on your bullshit. I wanna be a nice person. Out of friendship I don’t snap back on you even though you’re in the wrong. Even though you lied. Even though we still talk. Even though I hate you and your bullshit reasons. Even though I love you because my heart, my stupid fucking heart won’t let go of you. Thank you, for showing me I’m likable. Fuck you for throwing me away with your bullshit excuse. Thank you, for dumping me so I can find someone I deserve. Someone I can make happy and who will make me happy. I am enough. I am a man and fuck you for thinking otherwise. Fuck you for saying otherwise. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I hate you. You hurt me, for no reason then had the gall to say you were hurting too. You don’t get to hurt. YOU decided to end it. Fuck you and your feelings. I think I don’t love you. But watch. The second you say anything to me, or flash that fucking smile its gonna start all over. I know damn well I’m gonna love you again. And I’m gonna hate you again all over every time again.
I’m a fucking ball of anger and hurt and mistrust. Yeah my life was going shitty but at least I could still put my faith in people. Now.. I can’t. After being told something and repeatedly told that same thing until I actually believed it. Then told the exact opposite and crushed all at once. It hurts. It pisses me off. It took away my trust in… All. I hate how religions can make everything go to well, go to hell. I hate how society makes even the simplest of things into a giant deal for no reason. Everyone wants to be happy, but nobody can be because everyone is acting against their happiness and everyone elses. It makes no sense and there’s no point to it. There’s no point to anything.
A conversation with two cisgender heterosexual women. Well the girl I asked out has a boyfriend. She could’ve said that a long ass time ago. Anyway, the two of them were talking to me. And I have had my horizons widened. In their eyes it seems like trans men aren’t real men and trans women aren’t real women. I know they weren’t trying to hurt my feelings but it didn’t feel nice to hear people who I viewed as my friends talk in that way. Honesty however is the best policy. No matter how it feels.
Here are some of the highlights of the conversation-
- “I’d rather be with a woman that’s a woman than a man that was a woman. If that’s the case I’d rather just be with a real man. Y’know?
- I know you’re a girl now and all but if you weren’t born that way don’t try and come across as if you were. (Talking about our coworker who is an mtf transgender woman)
- You want the sex change? Like you want a ding a ling? Uh uh.
It’s probably just me but. I wouldn’t say any of this to a transgender person. Even if I wasn’t trans I wouldn’t. Then you offer to take me to get my name changed, yay thank you that’s great- then two seconds later oh nevermind I don’t want your mom to get upset.
I’m sorry what? I’m a legal adult what the hell does my mother have to do with this? Take the bus you say? The bus doesn’t even go that far. Take a lyft or something? Don’t you think I would if I could?
Sigh.. I just
I thought I finally found people who actually accept me.
But based off what just came out their mouths.. Whatever. Obviously I’m just still too naive.
I was gonna be upset. Not outwardly of course but I wasn’t happy. But then she smiled at me. And I was like I’ll keep waiting. It’s no big deal. As long as it’s her I’ll keep waiting until I can’t anymore. If she says no after all that time then it wasn’t meant to be. But that’s okay. I won’t have to deal with those feelings until then. And still, there’s always the chance she’ll say yes.