confession, depressed, free write, heartbreak, letter to, LGBTQ, love, romance, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Women and emotions

I always thought all I’d have to do was be loyal and show affection to be happy. For a time that was enough. A long time ago I met a girl in a group chat through some friends. We didn’t talk much and lost contact pretty quickly. A few months ago playing a game with my same friend she joined and took a liking to me. At first, I wasn’t interested but didn’t wanna hurt her feelings so I went along with it. Then I somehow started liking her. Eventually, I fell in love, and she said she did too. In fact, she said it first. We started dating, she knew all along I was trans since before she showed an interest in me. Everything was going great. For about two months. For the first month we were just talking and messing around then, we started dating and our one month mark was fast approaching.  I sent her a package with some things she wanted and some teas I wanted her to try and some candy she likes. Out of the three teas I wanted her to try she liked two and hated the third. So she gave them to her mom. The next day her mom noticed the teas and asked where they came from… She said her boyfriend sent them. Which was me. Her mom decided that we couldn’t date. Because for some reason even though she told me she wouldn’t tell her mom I was trans until way later in our relationship she told her mom anyway. SO, her mom being a Christian and now in my eyes an asshole also decided that her daughter was trying to be a lesbian and if she continued down this path she would send her to counseling. Because no matter what I do I will always be a girl and nothing will change that. And ..she agreed with her mom. She broke up with me on the spot, through text no less. After all these words… of she doesn’t care I’m trans.. and she loves me for who I am not my body parts.. She broke up with me because she doesn’t want to be a lesbian. I asked her, if her mom had given her the same talk but hadn’t said we had to break up would we still be together and her answer was no. The fucked up part is.. I still love her, and it is killing me. She says she still loves me and it makes no sense to me. If she loves me why did she break up with me. Why did she suddenly change her mind. Why so many things…

It’s not fair. I didn’t ask to be this way.  I don’t want to be this way. I just wanna be loved like everyone else. I have so much love to give. Everything was going great.. but now its all gone to shit. And she acts like nothing happened. She keeps talking to me like normal, and asking if I’m okay. She keeps telling me she loves me and I know I still love her. Maybe I’m just more broken than I ever thought I would be before. She keeps wanting me to say it back. Its been three days. The first day I cried a lot and considered throwing things, the only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t wanna break the few things I do own. I considered killing myself but it wouldn’t solve anything. In the midst of my mind that was just a hurricane of “its not fair and I didt ask to be this way and I’m not a girl” I almost went to the kitchen to cut my breasts off. But thankfully that seemed like a terrible idea and I stopped myself. The second day I slept in and then got high all day. Any time I even felt myself sobering up I would get high again because feeling hurt too much. While I was high I processed my thoughts without tears because I had this calmness that made everything less emotional and more clear. Today I woke up to her. Apparently she wanted me to keep her company. Shes still here. watching me type, but she can’t see what I’m typing. Testing my limits which at this point I dont even know what they are. Typing this.. actually made me feel better.

Because obviously my emotions outward appearance and entire life dont mean shit to anyone but me.

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Uncategorized

I’ve never blogged before

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That is an actual squirrel on an actual thing in an actual parking lot eating actual bacon. If I were an different animal that would probably be me. But for some reason I was born a human and I’m laying here on my seventeenth birthday blogging for the first time because I feel like a piece of shit. One day I might tell you my name. If you comment and ask I’ll tell you my kik (maybe) but I won’t always respond. I’m black but not soo black and I’m a lesbian. But I don’t like other black girls. I got a real girlfriend once. I was sixteen and she dated me for a week. She broke up with me and her reason was she wasn’t ready for a relationship. Not long later she goes and gets a boyfriend and is with him everywhere I go. She purposely finds me and brings him with her. Girls like me, but none of the girls I like or live near. I honestly don’t want to date a charcoal black bitch with ghettoness seeping out her pores. Sorry, not sorry. But for some reason those are all the people that have any interest in me. Men like me. All the time. If I was straight, this wouldn’t be a problem. But penises disgust me. I don’t want a mans genitals to be anywhere near me. The only men I’m comfortable around are the ones that respect I’m gay and don’t mess with it. Is it weird that vaginas scare me? I mean not my own. I ignore it, but other ones. They scare me.

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