free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Logan

There’s this person I know. Their name is Logan. Logan is.. Heavily medicated. But great. Five, almost six years I’ve known Logan. Since before the name change, the gender rejection and all the way back when we shared a teacher. 

I don’t know how to describe Logan as a person. I just know, I love them. If they ever need me for ANYTHING, I’ll be there. I’ll give Logan a kidney, a piece of my liver if they need it. They might not know it.. But they mean a lot to me.

We aren’t the closest

But our relationship is a strange one. We can go weeks or months without talking and pick up like nothing happened. I feel like if.. Logan would come to see me in even the slightest amount of way I see them. Nothing could ever go bad.

I’m stupid sometimes, and honestly don’t know a lot. But they accept me. And I love them for it. 

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free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, romance, Uncategorized

That girl

That girl behind the register

I wish I knew her name

She’s got the most amazing smile.

I wish I knew her name

The way she looks at me

Is it just curiosity? She’s seen the most honest me

T shirt, shorts, uncombed hair

But she never wears a name tag.

She’s got the most beautiful smile

I wish ..I knew her name.

Her smile

Makes my heart go a million miles

A voice only an angel could have

Paying in cash just to touch her hand

That girl behind the register

I just want to know your name..

Always going to your line

Sadly you scan too fast

Makes the time fly by..

Girl behind the register

What’s your name?

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free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, romance, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

dreaming..

I dream of romance.

Holding hands,

Just walking with each other

Smiling, laughing, grinning on eye contact

Walking past jewelry stores on purpose

Just to see if she’ll point out a ring.

Making promises 

Keeping them all

Does she want to get married or is it too soon?

Cuddling under a blanket on the couch

Watching chick flicks just because

She wants to.

Watching action movies because she likes them too

Making her tea when she has cramps

Sleeping on the couch when she’s upset

Buying her gifts at random

Putting flowers in her hair just so

She feels loved.

I was born in the wrong generation.

Girls these days 

Never show their real faces. 

Pounds

Of makeup.

Like a crayon box threw up.

Waterproof too. Hiding the truth.

I think they’re prettier without it.

But it makes them feel 

Confident. 

Their clothes so tight

Everything is on display

Clothes so tiny

You’ve seen it all before you say hi.

Sure it’s not bad to look at

If you just want to be objectified. 

You don’t have to wear layers

Or be a prude

But respect what you’re given

Don’t flaunt it for everyone. Then only trash will want you.

I dream of romantic evenings. 

The first time I see her body

Isn’t on the street dressed like a hooker

It’s in a room

Just the two of us

Happy and intimate,

Understanding and listening.

I want a woman

A real one.

Not one who is mostly plastic.

Someone else’s hair, plastic eyelashes.

Painted on faces and implanted body parts.

What happened to the image of beauty

Why can’t you be amazing the way you are?

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never find one.

A girl who’s proud of who she is.

I only want romance and happiness.

So I was born.. In the wrong generation. 

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free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, love, poetry, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Love

Ever felt like

You could be happy

Just by looking in her eyes?

Can she make you smile?

Do you make her smile?

Her name

Is like a whisper

Her smile

Breaks hearts

Her hips make you want to dance

Tripping over your own toes

Her laugh

Makes you not care you fell.

Her gentle hair

Framing her delicate face

Her dimples 

Making you grin without thought

The way her dress flows in the wind

The way her jeans crinkle at her knees

Falling for her?

Maybe..

Maybe just stumbling.

Does she feel the same?

Can you tell from her laugh? 

Can you tell from your own heartbeat?

Ba-dump

Ba-dump

Badumpbump

Was that it?

Did I land?

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free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, poetry, short story, Uncategorized

Hm.

Have you ever thought how maybe,

We’re all wasting our time?

Born to live to die and to die we bring pain.

Every new life 

Nothing makes it better 

It’s always getting worse.

Society is corrupted

Politics are poison

Whores are the honest ones

They don’t lie about it, but still go to 

Prison

Where all ones faults are on display.

Secrets and lies don’t matter there

You’re doing your time

For being yourself.

Born to live and to live to die,

Its the never ending circle

The snake eating its own tail

The face of the clock 

Going

Going

Tick

Tock

Stop..

Picture: Venom, based on the poem Hm.

Artist: Blaine P.

Author: Blaine P.

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Deadbeat Dad, depressed, free write, letter to, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, short story, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

I was engaged!

When I was 14 and naïve. Probably wasn’t even a real engagement I didn’t give her a ring.. And she dumped me because she considered herself straight. We never even met. She was an admin on an anime page on Google+ then I ended up being an admin there too then starting my own page because the guy in charge was mean. Either way I fell in love and got heartbroken to the point that people who I wasn’t friends with, but was friendly with started getting worried about me. 

I don’t even know if I believe in marriage anymore. My dad asked my mom to marry him when I was in like first grade. Then in third grade they had my brother. Then in fourth grade my dad moved into another room. In sixth grade he moved out and turned off everything in the house, power, water and stopped paying mortgage. We literally had less then a week to find someplace. We were homeless overnight and ended up moving into my grandmothers house. Then when I was in the seventh grade, he told me he was dating his best friend. I told him you’re a grown man do what you want. When I was in eigth grade he came down and showed me wedding pictures. 

Thanks for the invite that I didn’t get. Or the notification of your marriage or even engagement.  

But right before he told me he was dating his best friend, (which by the way he was with for a long time before because when I was really little he introduced her to me as his “best friend”) he came down to my grandmother’s house to live here because he ran out of money and had nowhere to go. Ironic right, but they let him stay. In my room making me move into a room with my mother and brother. Then when he left after a long time, I wasn’t allowed back into my room because of some bs reason that my grandmother came up with: I don’t clean. How and why am I supposed to keep a room for three people clean on my own. Then the reason changed to when my aunt comes in the morning she needs someplace to stay.

My aunt, has a husband and a house of her own. She has her own place to stay. Not to mention, she comes for breakfast drops her kids to school and then hangs out in my grandmother’s room. Nobody ever goes into the room and it just collects dust. 

Then I was told if I can keep the room clean I’ll get it back. Obviously I’m never getting that room back. Not that I expected to, my grandma is more full of it than a bag of manure. If I went on to talk about the stupidity I have to deal with daily from the people in this house and family nobody would ever hear the end of it.

One day I’ll get past all this and make myself happy.

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Deadbeat Dad, depressed, free write, LGBTQ, Longwinded nothingness, short story, Transgender(FTM), Uncategorized

Closed door. Short story

Behind that door.. Is everything I am. My secrets, my fears, my hopes and happiness and my future are all there. Behind that closed door. The door is closed because I won’t be safe when it opens. 

My father is a piece of shit. Always drunk and always bringing home a different woman. Who knows how many siblings I have running around out there. I had a mom, until she left us when I was five. 

BAM! My dad busts into my room and starts rummaging through my drawers for money. I don’t bother to stop him because he’ll hit me if I do. I don’t keep any money there except three dollars that I want him to find. If he doesn’t find any money I’ll get hit too. He finds the three dollars and turns to yell at me

“That’s it?! A measly three dollars! That’s all you have?? I knew you were worthless.” 

He leaves slamming my drawers and the door to my room behind me. I sigh in relief because he didn’t have the thought I might have more stashed away somewhere else. 

I look up at the air duct in the corner of my ceiling and think about the shoebox full of money I have saved up behind that thin grate. If he finds it I have no money to get out of here. 

I climb out my window because passing him would be bad for my health. I wall grab my skateboard on my way out. I go to a my girlfriends house where her parents love me. Her name is Chelsea she’s super sweet. They all know my living situation and I have dinner there and stay over all the time. Tonight it was meatloaf and it was great. Chelsea and I watched movies until we fell asleep and then I went home in the morning to shower and change. But when I walked in the front door I found something terrible.

My father was looking at me, with the things from behind the door in a pile in front of him. 

My heart jumped into my throat.

“What the fuck is this? This rainbow flag? All these men’s clothes? Clippers, a wig? No daughter of mine is gonna grow up to be a lezbo. I didn’t raise no faggot.”

Then he grabbed me by the shirt collar threw me up against the wall and started to unbutton his pants. I screamed and turned to run but he grabbed me and threw me again. My efforts got the front door open and my girlfriends dad was sitting in the driveway because he dropped me off. He showed this shocked expression and jumped out the car to come rescue me. By the time he got to the door my pants were torn, and around my ankles and I’d been penetrated. He hit my father in the head with the door knocking him out. I was in tears and bleeding. I ran to my room and packed all my shit into my duffel bag, climbed on the dresser and grabbed the shoebox out the air duct. I changed my pants and grabbed the pile of stuff from behind the door that my father had pulled out.

 He must’ve been searching for money again. The cops pulled up and arrested him and my  girlfriends father. But after asking a few questions they uncuffed my girlfriends father and let me leave with him. I had to do a rape kit, and it was traumatic.

When I finally got back to my girlfriends house she already knew what had happened and took me straight to the bathroom.

She helped me undress because I was in shock and ran a bath. I sat in the tub and hugged my knees for almost an hour while she patiently waited before she said

“Baby, you have to get out before the water gets too cold. Come on you’ll be okay, just remember that you’re a real man and your father was a terrible person.”

I looked up and pulled her into the tub with me. Usually she’d be upset because her clothes got wet but instead she just sat there hugging me and I hugged her. 

“I love you Chelsea”

I whispered. Her face turned red because it was the first time I’d said it, and also it was the first time she’d ever seen me naked and she just realized that. 

“I love you too Shawn.” 

She kissed my cheek and got out the tub to leave the bathroom. Her shirt was see through from the water and I could see her bra strap across her back. 

When she came back in she had some masculine clothes from my duffel bag in her hand and had also changed her clothes. I got dressed and went to her room. She looked at me and said

“You can stay here from now on. Not like you didn’t already but you can stay permanently. Mom already said she’s getting you a dresser of your own.”

I smiled and grabbed her hand to pull her over to me. I kissed her and pulled her onto the bed. She looked so cute as she blushed that I kissed her again then ran to the living room.

” SHAWN YOU ASS!” I heard her yell as I snickered and went to find my skateboard.

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