Shattered

I want to think I’ve grown as a person. That my mind has gotten stronger and that I can handle my emotions. I used to block a lot of things out. My mind would keep me from remembering things.. I guess for my own sanity. Now I see why. Once I found out my mind blocks out memories it stopped blocking out new ones. Things I don’t like I have to deal with. Things that hurt me and I don’t properly process give me nightmares. Repeatedly waking me up throughout the night trying to say you wanted me to stop protecting you now cope. I can’t cope. Feelings hurt. Accidental feelings somehow hurt worse. 

If you give someone the power to hurt you, whether on purpose or by accident they will one day shatter you.

Sick of naming sh*t

I haven’t written anything on here in a while. Since my last post I’ve gotten myself right back to where I didn’t want to be. I wasn’t trying to find someone. After the last attempt at a relationship with what might’ve been the biggest mistake of my life dating her, I was content with just being single. I came to the conclusion relationships lead to nothing but heartbreak. Other people can’t be trusted and everything I’ve ever been told was a lie. 

Okay so thats being dramatic but I was honestly planning on just being single for the next ….indeterminate amount of time. Then I re-met someone I’d met before. Got their phone number and was gonna attempt to be friends. Shit happens. Friendship happened, but now feelings happened; on both ends. I fucked up entirely letting myself slip and catch feelings. And as usual I feel strongly. And now I’m moving with the promise of “I’ll date you when you come back” and I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to stay here and spend my time with them, making them smile and feeling the type of happy they make me feel. I don’t know that they’re going to still like me a year from now. I don’t know that I’m going to still like them a year from now. 

They say I should get over them and just find myself a nice man/woman/partner. If it was just so simple I would’ve done it. I don’t want to go through that hurt again. Or accidentally put someone else through it. I feel like when I leave they might get hurt. But I’ll do my best to come back, save up and get a car or just a straight up tiny house or RV. It’s not in my ideal price range but everything I know and love and want to see when I wake up is here. And now.. It’ll all just be here still. While I’m somewhere else hopelessly pining. 

Also, my bike got stolen today so thats great.

Its not great at all. I’m actually really upset. I worked my ass off to afford that bike then worked even harder to get it home because nobody wanted me to get a bike to begin with. Talking about thats why we have cars. I don’t have a car and when I want a ride somewhere its either let me take my sweet ass time and take you in 4 hours or just flat out no. So I got a bike to take myself places. Now its gone. 

Apparently kissing deepens romantic bonds, if that is truly the case I will be all the more hurt later on. Especially if after this year of me being gone I’m actually still into them.. but they got over me. I wonder if this is how military families are. Spouse has gone off to war.. So you wait patiently for them to come back? I doubt I’ll be waited for. I’m wanted now.. But I’m probably easily forgotten. Not going off to war.. Just off to not be homeless. Attempt to man money to come back soon. All I want to do.. Is not leave in the first place. But whatever. I guess thats life or some shit the agnsty teenager who’s given up entirely would say. I’ve already made it my mission to spend as much time as I have left as possible with them. But I don’t know how much that time is anymore. It was two months.. Now its more like 4 days.. 

Letter to S

I love you. I don’t know why. And I wish I didn’t. I fucking hate you and the way you make me feel. I fucking love everything about you. I hate how you can get to me. I hate how when I check on you, and show concern and you’re upset you snap on me. If I’m being nice why are you being a bitch. Just because you’re upset does not mean you have to make everyone else upset too. Do you know how fucking hard it is to not snap on your bullshit. I wanna be a nice person. Out of friendship I don’t snap back on you even though you’re in the wrong. Even though you lied. Even though we still talk. Even though I hate you and your bullshit reasons. Even though I love you because my heart, my stupid fucking heart won’t let go of you. Thank you, for showing me I’m likable. Fuck you for throwing me away with your bullshit excuse. Thank you, for dumping me so I can find someone I deserve. Someone I can make happy and who will make me happy. I am enough. I am a man and fuck you for thinking otherwise. Fuck you for saying otherwise. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I hate you. You hurt me, for no reason then had the gall to say you were hurting too. You don’t get to hurt. YOU decided to end it. Fuck you and your feelings. I think I don’t love you. But watch. The second you say anything to me, or flash that fucking smile its gonna start all over. I know damn well I’m gonna love you again. And I’m gonna hate you again all over every time again. 

Rage

I’m a fucking ball of anger and hurt and mistrust. Yeah my life was going shitty but at least I could still put my faith in people. Now.. I can’t. After being told something and repeatedly told that same thing until I actually believed it. Then told the exact opposite and crushed all at once. It hurts. It pisses me off. It took away my trust in… All. I hate how religions can make everything go to well, go to hell. I hate how society makes even the simplest of things into a giant deal for no reason. Everyone wants to be happy, but nobody can be because everyone is acting against their happiness and everyone elses. It makes no sense and there’s no point to it. There’s no point to anything.

Women and emotions

I always thought all I’d have to do was be loyal and show affection to be happy. For a time that was enough. A long time ago I met a girl in a group chat through some friends. We didn’t talk much and lost contact pretty quickly. A few months ago playing a game with my same friend she joined and took a liking to me. At first, I wasn’t interested but didn’t wanna hurt her feelings so I went along with it. Then I somehow started liking her. Eventually, I fell in love, and she said she did too. In fact, she said it first. We started dating, she knew all along I was trans since before she showed an interest in me. Everything was going great. For about two months. For the first month we were just talking and messing around then, we started dating and our one month mark was fast approaching.  I sent her a package with some things she wanted and some teas I wanted her to try and some candy she likes. Out of the three teas I wanted her to try she liked two and hated the third. So she gave them to her mom. The next day her mom noticed the teas and asked where they came from… She said her boyfriend sent them. Which was me. Her mom decided that we couldn’t date. Because for some reason even though she told me she wouldn’t tell her mom I was trans until way later in our relationship she told her mom anyway. SO, her mom being a Christian and now in my eyes an asshole also decided that her daughter was trying to be a lesbian and if she continued down this path she would send her to counseling. Because no matter what I do I will always be a girl and nothing will change that. And ..she agreed with her mom. She broke up with me on the spot, through text no less. After all these words… of she doesn’t care I’m trans.. and she loves me for who I am not my body parts.. She broke up with me because she doesn’t want to be a lesbian. I asked her, if her mom had given her the same talk but hadn’t said we had to break up would we still be together and her answer was no. The fucked up part is.. I still love her, and it is killing me. She says she still loves me and it makes no sense to me. If she loves me why did she break up with me. Why did she suddenly change her mind. Why so many things…

It’s not fair. I didn’t ask to be this way.  I don’t want to be this way. I just wanna be loved like everyone else. I have so much love to give. Everything was going great.. but now its all gone to shit. And she acts like nothing happened. She keeps talking to me like normal, and asking if I’m okay. She keeps telling me she loves me and I know I still love her. Maybe I’m just more broken than I ever thought I would be before. She keeps wanting me to say it back. Its been three days. The first day I cried a lot and considered throwing things, the only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t wanna break the few things I do own. I considered killing myself but it wouldn’t solve anything. In the midst of my mind that was just a hurricane of “its not fair and I didt ask to be this way and I’m not a girl” I almost went to the kitchen to cut my breasts off. But thankfully that seemed like a terrible idea and I stopped myself. The second day I slept in and then got high all day. Any time I even felt myself sobering up I would get high again because feeling hurt too much. While I was high I processed my thoughts without tears because I had this calmness that made everything less emotional and more clear. Today I woke up to her. Apparently she wanted me to keep her company. Shes still here. watching me type, but she can’t see what I’m typing. Testing my limits which at this point I dont even know what they are. Typing this.. actually made me feel better.

Because obviously my emotions outward appearance and entire life dont mean shit to anyone but me.

Conversations

A conversation with two cisgender heterosexual women. Well the girl I asked out has a boyfriend. She could’ve said that a long ass time ago. Anyway, the two of them were talking to me. And I have had my horizons widened. In their eyes it seems like trans men aren’t real men and trans women aren’t real women. I know they weren’t trying to hurt my feelings but it didn’t feel nice to hear people who I viewed as my friends talk in that way. Honesty however is the best policy. No matter how it feels. 

Here are some of the highlights of the conversation-

• “I’d rather be with a woman that’s a woman than a man that was a woman. If that’s the case I’d rather just be with a real man. Y’know?
• I know you’re a girl now and all but if you weren’t born that way don’t try and come across as if you were. (Talking about our coworker who is an mtf transgender woman)
• You want the sex change? Like you want a ding a ling? Uh uh.

It’s probably just me but. I wouldn’t say any of this to a transgender person. Even if I wasn’t trans I wouldn’t. Then you offer to take me to get my name changed, yay thank you that’s great- then two seconds later oh nevermind I don’t want your mom to get upset. 

I’m sorry what? I’m a legal adult what the hell does my mother have to do with this? Take the bus you say? The bus doesn’t even go that far. Take a lyft or something? Don’t you think I would if I could? 

Sigh.. I just

I thought I finally found people who actually accept me.

But based off what just came out their mouths.. Whatever. Obviously I’m just still too naive. 

It’s not hard

I’m disappointed. How long does it take to decide yes or no to dinner? It’s just dinner. Everybody eats food. It’s been two days and she still doesn’t know. If you have to think about it that hard then just forget it. It’s not a difficult question, it’s not like I said can I fuck you without a condom. That’s also a yes or no question. I feel like you should know whether or not you’ll.. I don’t even know. But it shouldn’t take this long to get an answer. At first I was all super excited because I did it, I asked her out and I really like her. But I guess the euphoria wore off and common sense kicked in and I’m just like.. What’s so hard about giving me an answer.. ? Is it because I’m trans? Or younger than you? Or is it legitimately you can’t decide? Just be straight with me don’t drag it out. I can take it whatever the answer is. It’s the waiting that kills.

Maturity

I did something stupid and immature today (yesterday now). I sent a stupid message in an important chat. I’m not even sure why I sent it. But afterwards I spent a period of time reflecting on my actions today and well over time in general. I’ve come to the conclusion that in the past 7 years I basically haven’t matured at all. I’ve had my moments but I’m a complete wreck. It’s not a good feeling to realize you’re about as mature as the average 12 year old when you’re almost 20. How can I pinpoint the age of 12? Because I spent the majority of the last two days with my 12 year old cousin and sadly it was the best time I’ve had in weeks. I don’t know if maturity is gained on purpose or through experience or you just act differently over time but I haven’t reached where I need to be. But I’m attempting. So I apologized to the person I sent the immature message to. In my eyes, a mature person isn’t afraid to admit when they were wrong and apologize for it, and I was wrong so I did. Although I’ve been working towards bettering myself I’ve realized I’ve only been working on my outward appearance, muscles, acne etc. But the me on the inside needs work too. Sure I’m likable (I think) but that can only go so far. I need to be reliable, trustworthy and also mature. I don’t know why it took me this long to get to this point mentally but I do know I need to change. 
I’ve decided I’m not going to delete any posts I make on here ever. They will be the record of my growth and I can go back and see how far I’ve come, or how far I need to go. All I really want is to end up happy. Not rich, not poor, not a huge family with 8 kids and 4 spouses that are mainly divorced. I want one marriage and a happy life. But I can’t get to that point if I can’t even get to the mental point of a normal adult.

Shirts

So I’ve started working out again. I forgot how much that makes even not moving hurt. But this time I’m serious about working out. My job is really all about speed so my legs are gonna be great no matter what. But I can’t just have Captain America legs and pre-spider Peter Parker upper body. So I’ve gotta balance myself out or something. Also exercise seems to I guess keep my chemicals in check and I’m slightly happier on days I actually have. 

So I decided to take some photos so I could compare later on or make a slideshow type thing so I could actually see if I’m making any type of improvements to my body or if it’s all in my head. But then after editing the pictures so they didn’t have any type of chest showing I realized I look horribly unattractive with my shirt off. 

So I’ve decided that every day I’m gonna set three 20 minute timers 

20 minutes of push ups

20 minutes of sit ups

20 minutes of the horse stance

I know that I’m not going to be able to last doing any of those things for 20 minutes non stop right away. But those are my goals. If I work hard every day eventually I’ll be able to do each one for 20 minutes every day. Maybe that’ll be the day I’ll be comfortable enough to look in the mirror with my shirt off and be like yes, I did that. With my hard work I gave myself a body I could be proud of. 

Because as Tang Tian says, “Sweat doesn’t lie.” 

So I will sweat, and I will persistently perspire until I reach the point where I have enough confidence to.. Do stuff. 

I know this might be my most straightforward post so far so let me get my usual ramble in. It’s really hard to look someone in the eye when you’re constantly thinking that they’re thinking damn that persons ugly while they look at you. Because most of the time that’s what I think to my reflection. Except on those few good days where I’m like maybe I’m not so bad? 

I’m really sore. But I’m glad I’m sore, because that means I’m trying. 

Foolish

What the fuck was I thinking. Bury me? My family can’t even afford a single pair of name brand shoes. Where the hell is the money for my funeral coming from. I’ll probably just end up rotting in a morgue. Naked on a cold metal slab in a drawer. Why do I even exist? What did I do in my past life that was so fucking bad I had to come to this one. A mother who would rather treat me like shit than acknowledge that I’m human too, a brother who’s just a fucking idiot. A father who is basically a sperm doner that sends memes.  Sigh 

Maybe this life won’t be a waste. Maybe just maybe it’ll get better. I’ve tried everything else. I guess I’ll attempt to be an optimist now. I’ll probably fail miserably- oh look I already am. Fuck whatever. I’m going to sleep.